Confused and Lost II

[KristinG]

Hey May! Hope you're doing well - glad you are navigating communication with your H a little better. It's good to see you leaning back while at the same time communicating your strength and worth to him.

Unchien,

I need to read your entire sitch as I have read some really great advice from you on other threads.

Having that list (and it's only 3 items) helps me feel strong and secure in my resolve to DB and not backslide into old relationship patterns. It also helps me recognize things like "Oh she's being friendly today, but I should not read anything into it."

If you engage in a relationship with her again it should only be under the conditions that:

1) She sees you as someone of extremely high value
2) She views a relationship with you as something much better than a life with someone else or a life alone
3) She's willing to work to win you

Without those three things, she's going to walk again down the line, because she really doesn't have the motivation to work with you to change anything, your relationship will keep seeking the same equilibrium it has had because of how your personalities and issues come together.

I love this list! It conveys precisely what we should all be striving to accept for ourselves. Nothing less than this.

We hung out again last night as she asked me to join her at a friend's house. She was very thoughtful and sweet all night. She was very affectionate, and it was weird (but in a good way?). She even asked if it would be ok if she kissed me.

Throughout the night she made a few little comments about how she has really big plans to date me. That she has it "all planned out", she "has so much making up to do to me for everything she has put me through", that I have "been such an amazing wife and she never wants to lose me". I validated her desires and told her flirtatiously that yes, she will have a lot of work to do .

I have been reminding myself all day to believe none of what she says and only 50% of what she does. We will see where this road goes but I'm trying not to set any expectations on any outcome. The reason it felt weird in a good way is that she has tried to R and failed several times. BUT, none of those times were approached with seeing me with high value, a desire to only be in a R with me, and a willingness to work. They all felt like a "this is what I'm supposed to do" kind of reconciliation. Transversely, last night it felt like all 3 of the things you mentioned. Still no R talk and I am definitely not initiating that discussion. Still not wearing my wedding ring and I'm really focused on myself. She has to give a commitment before I will be willing to give one in return.