22 Years Gone Part 2

[rooskers]

Geez I feel for D13. Sounds like she is growing up way too fast.

She is growing up way to fast and that is one of the tragedies of MLC, WAS, WS actions when there are children involved. I know not all peoples sitch are the same here, but I have become pretty biased in my current beliefs on how good of parents many (not all) of those people are. I see a lot of spouses treating the LBS horribly, behaving erratic, out of control, lying, manipulating, gas lighting, vindictive, accusing, drugs, alcohol, mentally unstable and many other cruel things. The children see this and understand a lot, especially the older they are. Then I hear "but they are a good parent." Just my opinion but no they are not good parents, and in fact they are lousy role models for their children. Another argument is the children are strong and will be fine, but the evidence I read in book after book says the children are at higher risk for drugs, abuse, suicide, relationship problems, pregnancy, academic problems, behavior issues and many others. If they ever come out of the "fog" or whatever it is they are going through then yes they could become amazing parents but while they continue current behavior I think they are abusive not only to the LBS but also emotionally abusive to their children. Ok my rant is over

Do you think its good for XW to be involved in the counselling sessions?

No, I think it was a waste of time. D13 was able to talk about all of her anger but each thing D13 brought up her mom would deny, tell D13 her memory was wrong, make D13 feel guilty, or blame D13. D13 would then call her on the stuff and even offer up proof which made her mom silent for a moment and then her mom would take a new tactic. The new tactic was to try and get sympathy by saying "I know I am such a horrible person, I am such a screw-up, nobody likes me" and in response D13 would just say "yes, yes you are." Then her mom would get angry and the therapist would have to step in. Finally, her mom would start crying which D13 and therapist said could be turned on and off like clockwork when needed. The cycle of deny, lie, blame, looking for sympathy, anger, fake cry continued on and on for an hour. This is exactly what happened 10 years ago to me when XW and I went to counseling sessions but the difference is when she looked for sympathy and started crying I melted and gave her everything she wanted. D13 is a whole different ballgame and it won't work on her "Hell hath no fury like a scorned teen girl!"

D13 told her mom "the emails dad sends about what I want and need at visitations are what I am trying to tell you not dad and quit blaming him for everything." She tried to tell D13 she was just being brainwashed but D13 and therapist put a quick stop to that. Her mom agreed to listen to what she wants for visitation for this upcoming weekend and agreed to stop blaming me for everything.

I was truly hoping XW would see the damage she has caused in the relationship with D13 and look at her own actions instead of blaming me. Unfortunately later that evening I received an email from her that contradicted everything she agreed to in the therapy session and once again blames me. An example, this therapist is suppose to be for D13 individually not for family counseling and D13 wants it that way as does the therapist. The one session with D13 and her mom was for D13 to set her boundaries on visitations. So XW emails me to tell me "I am 100% supportive of D13's ongoing private sessions with therapist," but in the next sentence says "I will be wanting to meet with D13 and therapist once a month to start with and more often later on." Apparently she appears to support the private sessions as long as she is part of it thereby not making them private any longer.

In my opinion XW will make lots of promises and do a couple things requested to start rebuilding trust and then when things appear ok stab D13 right in the heart. XW has done that to her mom, dad, brother, best friend at college, coworkers, and me.