Weathering the Storm

[Coconut]

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If I was fooling around with someone and they told me they didn't want to be intimate while I was on my cycle (your phrasing), then I would not initiate anything at any point while I was on it. My reason for that response is that "being intimate" to me means a lot of different things.

poor choice of words on my part, we were somewhat intimate (kissing, rubbing, etc.) Thursday and Friday night, but sex is what I said I didn’t want to do.

What I'm wondering, though, based on the information that you gave is, would it have made a difference if y'all weren't on this trip so you were basically forced (for lack of a better word) to stay together or is it maybe that the trip, itself, was a bigger step than you anticipated and now it is seeming like more than you thought?

I don’t think the trip made a difference, we had a lot of fun together. The only difference having her on the trip is that taking care of the sexual frustration myself would have been a little awkward.

You told her then you didn't want to be intimate and then carried on with your trip, effectively making y'all stuck in the same room for 2 nights (Fri and Sat). I have had FWB relationships before and never have I gone on a weekend get-away with one of them, so I'm wondering if that might be affecting your thinking?

that’s why I opened up with we are more like dating. We are not in a R because of where she is at in life (still married for another 6 months or so, working through her divorce), while we keep some space when we aren’t around each other, we do see each other pretty frequently and always make dates or activities of it when we see each other. It’s not a come over and chill thing.

Why are you questioning continuing to see her? I'm not sure I'm drawing a logical conclusion between lack of sex and stopping seeing her when you are only spending a night together roughly once a week. Sorry I am rambling but so many questions...…………...LOL

I think because until now, I always felt there was a possibility of a LTR once she got her life together. But now I’m not sure that I see that, I guess I want someone who is as generous as I am sexually and not just when there is a tit for tat.

I viewed it as going Dutch cause plane tickets weren’t involved and figure hes paying for the hotel anyway, regardless of whether she goes. She paid for all her own meals.

I paid for everything, I was just saying the only additional costs to me were her meals.

I do not look down on FWB. Personally, I wouldn’t have a relationship like that for the reasons you listed and more. But if it works for others, I never judge. I just personally would want more and i can’t sleep with someone casually. Other people view it more openly and as long as both people go in with no expectations and are honest there is absolutely no harm.

this is my first, and likely my last. While in general it has been nice, the truth is that while I have gone on dates with other woman, the thought of having to break it off with this woman (and likely hurting her) has me concerned about liking someone new. So that’s kind of getting in the way of me giving someone else a real chance, it’s like blow my socks off the first time we meet or it’s not worth it. Which isn’t realistic.

All I was saying is that in a FWB type of relationship, it’s not really about investing or giving. So why would he expect her to give if she wasn’t getting pleasure. It’s not like there is love or a relationship. Just like she can’t expect him to find someone else if he’s not happy with the arrangement. There’s no real investment which is the advantage of an arrangement like that.

while we both have agreed that our relationship has no expectation of exclusiveness, we are closer than FWB, we do spend a lot of quality time together. And I’ve done things with no expectation of reciprocity in the past.

And he argues that he’s paying for the trip but Considering meals weren’t included, I would think that her half of the price of a hotel is probably significantly cheaper then a high quality escort without stds. At least he’s gets kissed. So it was a gamble on his part. And he doesn’t have to gamble on her if there are other women out there for him.

Ouch.. there are other woman out there for me, I went on a date 3 weeks ago and someone at work just gave me her number to call her about 30 minutes ago (it was a matchmaking by a co-worker).. I didn’t argue I was paying for the trip, I was just concerned that I might be using that as an excuse to get mad that I didn’t get any.. which I don’t think that’s the reason for being disappointed, but I recognize that it might be.

Coconut, if I’m being totally honest here...... you make it sound like she owes you sex because you paid for her vacation. That sounds a little prostituty.

If I thought she owed me something I would have initiated it and it likely would have happened. What I want is someone who wants to make me happy as much as I want to make them happy sexually.

You kind of make it sound like you only want to be with her if she is having sex with you or giving you some form of pleasure every time.

I would be interested in how you came up with that based on what I said.. but the foundation of our “arrangement” started out as sexual partners, so based on that I guess you could say having sex is expected. But I would have no problem going out with her and then dropping her off at home with no sex involved.. in fact, the whole thing I’m facing is dropping the with benefits part and telling her I just want to be friends..

I bend over backwards not to ever make it look like I expect sex for taking someone, even a FWB, some place. For me the cruise was/is the biggest example - if it happens, great, but just like a first date, because I'm taking someone some place, I'm not expecting "benefits" - it sorta sounds like you are and that's kinda a douche thing to do.

I don’t need to bend over backwards to make it not look like I expect sex with her, she is much more aggressive towards having sex than I am most of the time, frequently implying while we are out how much she is looking forward to getting home, etc..

That's where I'd start - is she on the same page as you? And here's the other thing, the page often turns. Some women use FWB thinking the guy is going to change his mind.

Yes, we are on the same page as far as where we stand, but I think that if the opportunity was there to have a healthy R right now, we would both be on that page.

Can I ask, is this the woman who liked every single picture in the dozen plus photos you posted? If so, I'm wondering if she's not either hoping for more, thinking it was developing to more or something like that.

No, the person who liked most of the pics was an old neighbor I grew up next door to.

So bottom line, for me anyhow, I think you are over the line here towards being a jerk.

Ok, thank you for answering my question straight forward, the reason I posted was because I was being unfair in my expectation.

Perhaps this is what you need to answer for yourself - would you have taken this woman if you knew sex was off the table?

Absolutely, we have a great time together, but I wouldn’t have messed around with her before finding out she was on her cycle and got myself worked up.. I did go into the weekend with an expectation that we would be sexual, but if I knew ahead of time that we wouldn’t I still would have wanted her to come along.

I'm now questioning if I want to keep seeing her. Am I being a jerk for feeling this way?

Yep. Accept that.

fair enough.. as for what i want, i've explained it but basically for someone who is similar to me in the enjoyment of bedroom activities, both giving and receiving.. Which by the way, she is not.. maybe that's my problem, is I've always wished there was more directed to me and this nothing for a whole weekend just caused it to come to a head.

It's gong to require a week long cruise, some jewelry and a new car before you get any more goody.

lol