Where do I stand?

[JR45]

BD was on 10/8 when my W told me she’s unhappy in our M and has been for years. I too have been unhappy for just as long. We’ve tried working things out about every 6 months for the past 2 years but nothing ever changed. This time was different and she told me she’s done trying and not sure she wants to be married to me anymore. I made all the common mistakes to try anything to keep her from leaving me until I found this community and started buying into the advice found here.

I’ve decided to start a new thread because I’m in a different place now than when I first posted. My first thread is all over the place much like my emotions the past few weeks. Im no longer questioning where I stand, but instead I’m letting go of the questions I can’t answer for myself. I may or may not ever find those answers, so for now, there’s no point in letting them control me. I’m finding myself and learning that detachment, applied appropriately, does work; not only for my M, but for myself too. I’ve been so consumed with my R with my WAW, that I wasn’t truly focusing on myself...until now.

A lot of things have come to light the past few days and I’ve gained some clarity as to what I need to do, how to do it, and most importantly; why I’m doing it.

What I need to do:
-Lovingly detach from my WAW.
-GAL
-Stay positive
-Continue to implement permanent and sustainable 180’s

How do I do it:
-Do not continue to be absent in the R, but detach from trying to initiate ANYTHING with my W. Be present when I need to be, communicate positively and concisely and then fade away to find something to keep me busy and give her space.
-Get our more. Accept more invites. Find new hobbies.
-Change how I react to certain situations. First recognize the negative reaction I would usually have and consciously change it to break the cycle.
-Don’t overcompensate for lost time. That’s in the past and cannot be changed. Focus first on little things I can change on a daily basis until it just becomes part of who I am and my daily routine. Make some big changes too but ensure it’s sustainable. W is looking for a backwards step to indicate I’m falling back into my old ways. It’s what she’s expecting. Break that cycle!

Why am I doing it:
For me. Find my own happiness and independence. Realize I can live my own life and if my W chooses to continue to be a part of it, then I’ve won! If she decides she needs to leave, I still win because I’ll be happy with myself either way and I’ll be ready to start a new life on my own.