WAS or WHAT 11

[roist]

Here is a reply I gave to another poster asking about where our spouses where in their crisis. just reposting for me to reread later:


I'm just after passing the fifth anniversary since I realised how close I was to losing my W/M and decided to stand. Unlike the previous replies and most stories here, my W never left. There are positives and négatives in relation to that, but I suspect it would have been easier (on me) if we had split up. That being said, for whatever reason, we are both still here.

Fo me, at the start I realised how much I loved her and what I would be losing. This motivated me and still does to a certain extent. Our story is documented on this forum, so I won't rehash it here. Long story short is that despite ongoing positive signs/interactions we are still no closer to improving our R. Some of this is now on me, as I am not interested in working on it alone. So at the moment I am letting it be and focusing on other aspects of my life. Call it distraction but in essence I am buying time before I have had enough. So in the end it boils down to time and space. Plus I prefer having no interactions than poor ones!! (not a great mindset, but at this stage, it is what it is)

As for W, I see progress in general, with more interest stuff. She's a good mother and has invested a lot in our boys. Our distance I believe has created some parenting issues due to not being united, but nothing that can't be solved. Recently W has pushed to talk about parenting and probably "us". So far this has not lead anywhere, as often the timing was off due to presence of kids who tended to show up shortly after it started!!. She seems to be putting the emphasis on me to find solutions and/or to change/do more. Some of her griefs are genuine, but I am not going to jump through loops to work on things alone. And I am not interested in working towards a status quo

After five years I still don't know what she wants going forward, except me as a parent to the boys. She has mentioned how things are complicated for her, how things are difficult for her, how she is tired, how she doesn't sleep well. I know the communication techniques out there tell us to state things in the I as opposed to you, but to me it comes across as being all about her and what I am going to do about it!

All that being said, I believe W is just as frustrated and unhappy with how we are getting on at present. Based on current interactions, I imagine a R chat will occur before the end of the year. It's been about two years since we had one!

So in a nutshell to answer the question, after five years our crisis is still moving along following its course ever so slowly. The process has changed completely my Outlook on life and who I am. Soon I hope to put down the burden of standing and progress more actively towards living a fuller better life. I am doing that already but believe can be much much better..............


Rereading this thread, it was interesting. I will dwell on that and see what happens. In the meantime, best wishes to ye all.