Divorce and Acceptance Part 4

[Pax_luv]

Ownit,
Yeah... it doesn’t much make sense. Admittedly I did try to decipher it a bit. A pointless exercise, but it’s my effort to find compassion for the guy and maybe justify my sanity.... not so sure.

I made up that he was being overly exaggerated and familiar with my friend because he was faking the fact that he had plans and was just being a stubborn donkey.
Who knows.

Quite frankly, I think he thinks that I play games with him... because he plays games with me. After all these years, I don’t think he’s differentiated himself from me at all. I’m a totally different person than him. I made this up after his recent comment about me being passive aggressive in which I wanted to respond.... nope... just don’t care.

Not sure if that makes sense at all... it’s all just mind reading and hypotheses.

Anyway, I’m about 6 weeks out from our mandatory settlement. I am through the roof excited. I really can see the light now. It’s almost over! After every set back over the last few years, I imagined myself physically climbing out of a huge valley onto the top of a mountain peak. I could sense when I made it to the peak and then would try to enjoy it as much as possible because I knew a deep valley would be next, but each time I fell into that valley I used new tools to get out of it. Soon, the pain of the dips became less and less.

And now here I am.... I almost see flat horizon ahead. I’m very much looking forward to it.

I really want to do something big for New Years this year to celebrate. Whenever I closed my eyes and pictured the light at the end of the tunnel, I imagined a million twinkly lights like that of the Eiffel Tower. I’ve been trying to make a Paris trip happen, but I’m not sure I could swing it.

The other option (and this is a major bucket list that I’ve always wanted to do) is ring in the new year in Times Square. I’ve heard it is a huge pain in the butt, but I’ve just always wanted to see it myself. There are still a few hotel rooms available and it’s cheaper than Paris. (I still have a budget after all... I haven’t completely recovered from this financially yet.. still have to be a little sensible!)

I don’t know, but I feel like I need to do something to recognize this completely fresh start. New year, new decade. I can put the last decade behind me- my ex and I got married in 2010.

I’ve also always wanted to stay in an ice hotel and there’s one that opens Jan 2. So that might be an option too.

Either way, I’m excited to release the weight of this divorce that I’ve been carrying for too long. I actually caught myself saying today “I’m so happy. Genuinely happy. A little scared out of fear that something bad is going to creep up. But today I’m genuinely happy.” (Haha and these are my internal conversations that I just have with myself. Caught myself being all positive 3 times today!)

I’ve mentioned this before but it always catches me off guard when I’m feeling super good. I guess I’m used to walking around with stress, anxiety, etc so it surprises me when it’s not there. Not that everything is all rainbows and butterflies at all. It certainly is NOT! But I’ve landed on my feet and I feel good.