"The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."
Yes I think I am doing this. I physical distance certainly - we hardly speak now even though we're still M. Emotionally, I think it has certainly distanced more than a few months ago. I can go for long periods without thinking about her, but I do find myself thinking about her, missing her, and missing interacting with someone to the level we did.
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"You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved."
Absolutely. When BD happened I was extremely scared, and also thought that W would be in a bad place if she went through with it too.
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Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.
I believe I've started this process. GALing and being on my own for a few months has forced me to do a lot of assessing of how I've acted generally, not just in my M and R with W. I feel I'm no longer feeling despondent about myself or self-pitying. I think that's the goal..unless I've misunderstood this.
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Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.
Definitely done this. IC has helped.
Types of Toxic Relationships
I think from this list, what applies in my situation is:
* Other is overly dependent on you. To a degree. I was responsible for organising lots of things * You are overly dependent on the other. Yes, I suppose I have become dependent on my W for happiness, so when she is upset with me on whatever minor/major issue, I feel I have let her down. * Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself. Yes. Probably applies to both of us. * Other has an addictive disease. I DID. Not any more. * Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want. Yes I have thought about this from time to time. * Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored. Yes but that is my own shortcoming in not asserting my needs or expressing when I felt frustrating with W
Thinking of my M or R as having 'toxic' elements is not a nice thought.
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Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.
Yes I think I am working on this. In IC we have discussed why I was feeling so bad about myself and had this very poor image of me and unsubstantiated thoughts that others felt the same towards me.
I will look at some more stuff later on and add my thoughts/take on them.
I have accepted that D is out of my hands but I cannot shake the frustration of the feeling that W has been led to do this or cajoled/encouraged by others to taking "the easy way out" rather than wanting to work. At the same time I've done a huge amount of work in addressing my self-esteem issues and becoming a more confident person with a more positive demeanour.
Any help on the court order update in my previous post would be very appreciated too!
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
The electrician I'd booked to check out our smoke alarms didn't turn up. She just texted to let me know that. I replied saying "Thanks for letting me know. That is annoying, as you would have been waiting in for them to arrive. I'll ask them to re-schedule."
I know that is not validating as she didn't express an emotion in the text, merely stating fact. I wanted to let her know that I appreciate it would have been frustrating for her to wait all morning for them not to turn up. They have both our numbers so maybe they'll call her (?).
Urgh, I'm annoyed at how I'm at a stage where I'm discussing a tiny exchange like this!
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
Thanks R2C. I was in a rush with last post - should have made it clearer that I was both updating and seeking feedback/help.
She said "Hi. Just letting you know that the elec didn't turn up to look at the alarms."
I replied "Thanks for letting me know. That is annoying, as you would have been waiting in for them to arrive. I'll ask them to re-schedule."
Texted Elec. They rang me. Simple mix-up. They thought it was tomorrow. They'll call me to re-schedule.
I have texted W: "They thought it was tomorrow. They'll contact me this week to re-schedule and give us priority."
What are your thoughts on the financials/court order? Should I contact a L and get ball rolling on that or pus hthe whole thing back to W? (See page 9 for what W emailed me today).
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
W"Electrician never showed up" H"Neither did the strippers, looks like this is shaping up to be a lousy day for both of us!"
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"Thanks for letting me know. That is annoying, as you would have been waiting in for them to arrive. I'll ask them to re-schedule."
Urgh, I'm annoyed at how I'm at a stage where I'm discussing a tiny exchange like this!
You did fine! You're right that it's not validating, but it's not a situation that calls for it. Your response was polite and business-like which is good for this situation.
"Hi, Yes this is all fine, could you go ahead and organise all that, that would be brill.
Thanks
W"
OK well you probably recall that I said before to tell her "I do not want a D, if you wish to pursue it I will not stand in your way, but don't ask me to do the work for you." That said.....
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One hand: I don't trust her to do it right. She skim reads and will probably make a mistake in a panic and be overwhelmed (which seems to be her fave word lately). It protects me as well as her.
.... if you're just talking about the financial side of things and you don't trust her to handle it properly then go ahead and do it yourself. But...
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Other hand: If I do it all - by that I mean contact a solicitor, keep her updated on the process, liaise with the L where necessary (and get W to do the same when needed) and get it done/copies sent out etc. - then I'm actively progressing the D aren't I? What message does that send?
... I would not perform the actual D steps for her. Do what you need to protect yourself financially if you think she'll screw it up. But leave the D proceedings to her.
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I would push it back but then I really cannot be bothered to get an irate phonecall from her and say that I haven't done anything and she's had to do all the work etc.
"I do not want a D, if you wish to pursue it I will not stand in your way, but don't ask me to do the work for you." Period, end of convo.
