Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4

[DaB35]

From the detachment thread:

"The ability to "keep distance" emotionally or physically requires self-control and the inability to do so is a sign that you are "out of control."

Yes I think I am doing this. I physical distance certainly - we hardly speak now even though we're still M. Emotionally, I think it has certainly distanced more than a few months ago. I can go for long periods without thinking about her, but I do find myself thinking about her, missing her, and missing interacting with someone to the level we did.

"You might feel intimidated or coerced to stay deeply attached with someone for fear of great harm to yourself or that person if you don't remain so deeply involved."

Absolutely. When BD happened I was extremely scared, and also thought that W would be in a bad place if she went through with it too.

Take back power over your feelings from persons, places or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being.

I believe I've started this process. GALing and being on my own for a few months has forced me to do a lot of assessing of how I've acted generally, not just in my M and R with W. I feel I'm no longer feeling despondent about myself or self-pitying. I think that's the goal..unless I've misunderstood this.

Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places or things you can blame for your unhealthiness.

Definitely done this. IC has helped.

Types of Toxic Relationships

I think from this list, what applies in my situation is:

* Other is overly dependent on you. To a degree. I was responsible for organising lots of things
* You are overly dependent on the other. Yes, I suppose I have become dependent on my W for happiness, so when she is upset with me on whatever minor/major issue, I feel I have let her down.
* Other has the power to impact your feelings about yourself. Yes. Probably applies to both of us.
* Other has an addictive disease. I DID. Not any more.
* Relationship in which you have a fantasy or dream that the other will come around and change to be what you want. Yes I have thought about this from time to time.
* Relationship in which your needs and wants are ignored. Yes but that is my own shortcoming in not asserting my needs or expressing when I felt frustrating with W

Thinking of my M or R as having 'toxic' elements is not a nice thought.

Identify the irrational beliefs in the toxic relationship which prevent you from becoming detached. Address these beliefs and replace them with healthy, more rational ones.

Yes I think I am working on this. In IC we have discussed why I was feeling so bad about myself and had this very poor image of me and unsubstantiated thoughts that others felt the same towards me.


I will look at some more stuff later on and add my thoughts/take on them.

I have accepted that D is out of my hands but I cannot shake the frustration of the feeling that W has been led to do this or cajoled/encouraged by others to taking "the easy way out" rather than wanting to work. At the same time I've done a huge amount of work in addressing my self-esteem issues and becoming a more confident person with a more positive demeanour.




Any help on the court order update in my previous post would be very appreciated too!