I haven’t posted in a few days. I’m still roaming through a range of emotions. I had a great hunting trip with my son (almost 8) and we both had a lot of fun together. I’ve been seeing the same anxiety in my son that my wife has around me. She told me he’s really afraid of disappointing me and is afraid of me getting mad at him. I’ve been spending a lot of time with him lately and talking with him. Last Sunday, after we spent the afternoon together designing and carving his pumpkin, he stood at the top of the stairs before bed just looking at me smiling and I did the same. I saw a look from him that I haven’t seen in a long time. I think he’s seeing the changes I’ve made in my attitude and approach to my family and it was the first time I’ve felt like it’s making an impact. I can’t get the same read off my daughter (9) because we have a great relationship and she’s my biggest fan. Last night she broke my heart as I went in to tuck her in for bed. She’s been sleeping in the guest room for a while now because she doesn’t like her loft and the guest bed is more comfortable. We’ve been trying to re-design her bedroom but she’s having a hard time deciding how she wants it so we haven’t ordered anything for it. When I walked in, she was settling in with a large stuffed dolphin in the middle of the bed. She was left with a sliver of the bed to sleep in. I asked her if she had enough room and she said “not really but mom needs the dolphin between us and I’ve been dealing with it for a week now so I’m getting used to it.” My heartbreak turned to anger because our daughter is suffering because I moved back into our room and my W took over her bed. I was mad at myself at first but it quickly turned to my W because she doesn’t seem to care. If she’s that hell bent on not sleeping in our bed, she has plenty of other options (basement, couch, daughters bed, or even sons top bunk. Part of me wants to find my D a new bed but that feels like I’m helping my W get more comfortable outside our bed. I’m torn right now but my D has to be my #1 priority. Detaching has become easier as I have been staying extremely busy between family (mostly kids) time, house/yard work, and finding time to work on some of my own projects that I’ve been putting off. It’s also easier as I’ve realized that the trust in our R is completely gone. We have different views of trust and I know my wife doesn’t trust that I’m actually changing. I’m fine with that...can’t control it. What I’m struggling with is the fact that I thought I still trusted my W to be completely honest with me but I realize now that I really don’t. I don’t know where her head is these days and she seems to be rather secretive about some things. She had a “free night” on Friday since I had our S and our D was at a sleepover. She never told me what she had planned and I never really asked. I got nervous when I woke up at 5:00 am on Saturday and realized she never texted me that she was home safe. We always text each other to let the other know we made it home safe when one of us is out of town. I decided to check the security cameras to see if her car was in the driveway. It wasn’t. I checked the interior camera and saw the dog sleeping home alone on the stairs which means she probably didn’t eat dinner and wasn’t let out. This all pissed me off. When I got home, she told me she went out with a girlfriend (W of a college buddy who has always been infatuated with my W) who is going through their own M issues. She said she stayed the night there and came home early. I don’t know if I believe her or not. Yesterday I walked into the living room where she was watching TV and texting on her phone. I took a quick glance at the phone as just saw a big “heart” emoji on the screen. I think she saw me glance and quickly switched to the internet page. It very well could have been her cousin that she is in constant communication with, but I don’t know. She’s offered her phone to me in the past and I always refuse because I trust her. I really want to check her phone now just to find out, but I don’t want to give her a chance to clear it. I don’t know her password but my kids do. I don’t want to ask them for it but I don’t know how else to go about it. I’m starting to get frustrated at the absolute lack of progress. She said we need to work on ourselves before we can work on the M, but she’s taken absolutely no initiative to take the first step in any of it. We have no problem talking, joking, laughing, and discussing what the week’s agenda looks like, but any physical closeness ceases to exist. To put it in context, I’ve been having some pain behind my shoulder blade for a couple months now and have mentioned it to her a couple times. The other day I caught a glimpse of my back after a shower and saw a golf all sized knot just off my shoulder blade. Google says this is the result of stress which makes perfect sense. She walked in on me trying to stretch it out and grimacing in pain and asked what’s wrong. She felt the knot for a second and said “that’s not good. You should see a doctor. I’d look it up for you but it’ll just say you have cancer.” She offered to use her roller and tried it for a few minutes but it did nothing so I told her she could stop. Any other day prior to the last month, she would have immediately went to work on it with her hands but now that’s physical touch and she’s not having any of it. How can she act like everything is great when we’re together but can’t stand to be within 2 feet of me physically? It’s making me wonder if this is something that can actually be saved. Am I just wasting my time? I feel like I’m in a much better place to move on without her and maybe I need to start considering this as a viable option.
