Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Rita]

I was going to ask you why you aren’t “allowed” to stand anymore in the same way. I am guessing you mean because of the divorce....

The battle is within you. That’s the battlefield. Your light and your darkness.

Who or what are you battling? What darkness is your light pushing back?DnJ

It's not the fact of the divorce. It's the way of it. H is destroying me and the kids in a way he didn't do before. And exposing them (or at least D10, more directly) to the adultery in a way he was ashamed of before. I did ask him to take time away several times over the last six years but he wouldn't go -- and I even found a letter from him from before he filed where he said he would be able to love me and the kids once he had the money from his half of the house and wasn't under my control anymore. Part of the reason I did not push him out was so that the kids could continue to have their dad but I would be able to keep them safe from his many poor parenting issues. Now none of that is in play, he is literally siphoning out everything I have emotionally, physically, financially, etc. He is abusive and undertakes many evil acts and has enlisted the most evil man I ever met in his L, allowing that L to even threaten me physically. I obviously could not take him back like this for my own health and safety, and I have to push harder to cut him out of my life for the same reason.

But inside me I still can't believe that the man I knew will never come back. I somehow feel guilty for not believing in him anymore. And part of me still does believe in him and think that the best thing for my kids and their kids and their kids and on and on is for us to be grandparents together. The worldly part of me is reading these books about abusers and talking to too many people and thinking, Wow, I really had no self worth and I need to fix this wound and never let him back.

I agree that there is a battle within me. But I am not talking about that one. I think I am a little more clear on that one.

I am literally talking about battling the devil. I believe in that in a literal way, that my family is under attack by an actual force of evil.

The darkness in me I am battling too. But my stand was against the devil's attack on my husband and family.

A couple of things from me to you. My heart to your’s. (Oh my, I do write like it’s just you and me talking. Oh well, in for a penny in for a pound.) DnJ

I had to look up penny in, etc. Your unmodern ways remind me of Atticus Finch or George Bailey sometimes. A compliment. But yes, it seems like most of my DB friends do not visit my thread anymore, and the conversation keeps being between us much of the time. Hopefully it will help all the hordes of miserable LBS's out there to slog through our dialogue now and in days to come.

Stand until you’re healed enough to stand down. You will know when - life will be peaceful, gentle, and happy. Then you can make proper choices; there is no need to worry about or rush to this. ...... The physical pain is caused from a hurting psyche; it manifests as actual pain. During my tormented days my entire chest - neck to belly and completely through from front to back - hurt nonstop. It was relentless. It was irrational. It was “almost” too much (thank you God). And it passed.DnJ

RUSH?! I am on year seven! When the heck fire is it going to pass?!!! H started over after seeming to be trying to return. But do you mean that I am not supposed to decide about standing until I feel peace and healing? I kind of understand that idea and sometimes I accept it. But I feel like I keep regressing as far as the pain.

]Intellectual car my friend. Detachment from H and his life. Emotions and pain cannot and do not exist in the realm of intellect. You are a smart strong woman, stay focused when D is telling you about H and OW. Listen, validate, and speak with reason and intellect. Later after D and you talk, you can, and need to, emotionally feel all this and work towards accepting it.DnJ

DnJ, I do think my D is in danger. I am happy S doesn't see him and avoids that danger. I know the danger very well. My mom was the same. I can say without reservation that the damage from that has damaged me for life. I can heal, I am happy about my path to God, I love my children, I like myself sometimes. But definitely I wasted many many years of my life riding that damage. I knew it before but thought I had healed. Now that I look back on the last twenty years, the intimacy issues with H and the financial lack of responsibility he really always had, I am only seeing clearly now that many of my choices came out of that pain. I see my D10 responding to H in exactly the same way as I responded to my mom -- that anxiety of making him angry, that worry all the time about his feelings even as she says he is crazy, the obsession with what he is doing and how to fix it.... She comes back from time with him a different person and it takes a while to get her back down to earth.

I was mad at my wonderful kids also when they went to see their Mom. Mad because Mom still (sort of) wanted to see them. You’re right an almost mad feeling or upset. And when XW didn’t want to see her kids, I felt relief and kind of happy. It was validation that this isn’t about me.

It was all driven by fear. And something I had to find forgiveness for - to forgive myself. What kind of Dad gets mad from their kids seeing their Mom, or happy when those kids get thrown away from their Mom. A scared and hurting one.

I am glad to hear this from you. I like to see that you are human and not just pure enlightenment. Your response and mine on that front are exactly the same, except that I am not sure it is wrong to want to keep them away from someone who is dangerous to them emotionally. Your kids are older and not obligated to stay over at her house. It's the sleepovers really that terrify me. Seeing H for the day or an afternoon, that does not scare me. It's the household, the home aspect that scares me. Does that make sense?

And also that I want them to be very clear that he is crazy and that they do not have to trust his words or placate him. If they don't know that, I fear they will be just like I was, attracted to that kind of person as a mate. I know you will say that is fear, but it is also science. It is a very common trajectory.

One possibility that feed my fear and my feelings of mad towards my kids - the thought feeling that D15 (at the time) would want to live with her Mom. Thoughts rationalized what and why I was afraid. Sword and shield, I stopped feeding it.

Yeah, but she didn't do it. She stayed with you, where she is more than safe. She doesn't even really see her mom. So how do you know it was sword and shield? You never really had to face it becoming real. I have had to face it and my fears are realized. I have to make peace with something different than you did and I am not sure how.

As for “I am sure I have already damaged her in this way“. There are two possibilities:

First, lets say you have. It’s in the past, and you cannot change that. Move forward letting go of fear and not feeding those emotions. Listen and talk with daughter and continue being a great Mom.

Second, and more probable. You haven’t damaged her. Keep moving forward letting go of fear and not feeding those emotions. Listen and talk with daughter and continue being a great Mom.

OK, this one you have really laid out for me as a script without any interpretation needed or without an opening for Gerda's arguments. So I think I can do that one.

So, Wednesday and every other weekend is H’s time. Does son and daughter go, or just daughter? What are the times for Wednesday? 8:00am to 8:00am? How about the weekend? Friday 8:00am to Sunday 8:00pm?

I am sincerely interested, and this rationalizes your situation. In case you were wondering; I’m not just prying at something painful for no reason. (((Gerda)))

Pry away! I am lonely and self-obsessed these days and quite happy if someone wants me to tell more about me or to offer me a virtual hug! Though I did have a horrifying situation this weekend when a dad from D's school offered to help me patch my roof and then started hitting on me while we were up there on the 45 degree angle. It was so gross! He told me he wanted payment in the form of a hug, that he was getting a divorce, that I looked hot patching the roof, etc., and I could't even move because I could fall off the roof!!! Finally told him I would hug him after and then I ran down the stairs to the street so it would only happen on the street where I wouldn't be alone with him and my neighbor would hopefully walk by. And he said he couldn't hug me in public as he didn't want people to see doing that! I said, "If you can't hug me on the street then you shouldn't be hugging me at all. Go restore your marriage!" It was actually a funny story once it was over but gross. But I digress.

The actual time is Wed the weeks he had her on the weekend and Tues and Thurs the weeks he didn't. First and third weekends, Fri pick up from school til Sunday night. And a bunch of vacation complexities. But he NEVER has taken the full time, and constantly asks me what the schedule is, cancels part of it, makes arrangements with D separately and then I have to undo it, etc. I am happy about this. I kept telling him the schedule was just Wednesdays and he has never tried to take the other afternoons. And I kept telling him she had a sleepover even when she didn't so that she wouldn't' go to him for more than a night because she doesn't want to. And he always shaves away at the weekend time that he does have. He even openly will tell her he is spending part of that time with OW instead.

One way to deal with the custody days. Look forward to those Wednesday nights. You know, that golden realization of yourself that I highlighted. Enjoy it. Enjoy your Gerda time. Write, read, watch a movie, post to me. (Oh ya, other people reading along. Lol)

I do. But it's a battle. And I really do feel that I am putting D in harm's way, no matter what you say. So I can't look forward to them but maybe I can --

See them as you being a great and sane Mom helping her children grow and creating a fantastic long lasting relationship between Mom and child.

I get how it slays you, really I do. It will pass.

WHEN?!?!!!!?!?!?!??!?

Time is a wonderful companion walking beside us.

Suck eggs. No. I am tired of how long this is taking.

Compassion, empathy, understanding, and forgiveness.

Yours is good. Mine is on strike. I joke. Sort of.

HEY I HAVE TO GO TO WORK!!!!!