Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[DnJ]

Hello Gerda

I am glad you appreciated the “good and evil”.

what you said about good and evil -- I know that this is what I have always felt, from the days reading The Chronicles of prydain and those of Narnia, and just knowing so clearly that we have to be that light in the darkness and do battle -- and I identified my stand as my stand against evil. Now I am trying to redefine how to do that to some degree. I am not allowed to stand anymore in the same way. I don't understand it very well anymore.

I was going to ask you why you aren’t “allowed” to stand anymore in the same way. I am guessing you mean because of the divorce.

A couple of things from me to you. My heart to your’s. (Oh my, I do write like it’s just you and me talking. Oh well, in for a penny in for a pound.)

knowing so clearly that we have to be that light in the darkness and do battle

Who or what are you battling? What darkness is your light pushing back?

The battle is within you. That’s the battlefield. Your light and your darkness.

Standing starts as a stand for marriage, relationship, H and then evolves into standing for yourself. Yes, your stand is not the same way anymore - it is now stronger and for you. Find your light and beliefs, lead with them, and stand for them.

Stand until you’re healed enough to stand down. You will know when - life will be peaceful, gentle, and happy. Then you can make proper choices; there is no need to worry about or rush to this.

Anyway a lot of times, you, my dear friends, try to 2x4 me or even just 1x4 me, and tell me to let go, stop focusing on OW or all those other standbys we all need to hear, and I write back some long boring explanation about how I think I did that but there is something else. And I guess I finally figured out that it's this deep visceral thing -- my body not aligning with my mind.

Long boring explanation - nah, its all good.

My take on the misalignment stuff I saw as cars - physical, intellectual, emotional, and spiritual - all travel their own lanes along the same highway, and all need to get lined up so none are too far behind or ahead. A good balanced life.

D was with H yesterday and overnight, and I found a little peace in all of it, was working and even doing some writing and feeling great

I found this bit of gold. A great realization of possibilities, of life. It was a bit hidden in your post. Focus on the better not bitter.

I get confused about what you all encouraged me to do, telling her the truth -- I think I say too much when she brings OW up. The pain is so terrible, I just try to be silent when she is talking or to look like I am listening, but my whole body is hurting, I feel like I am taking a shower in pain.

Intellectual car my friend. Detachment from H and his life. Emotions and pain cannot and do not exist in the realm of intellect.

You are a smart strong woman, stay focused when D is telling you about H and OW. Listen, validate, and speak with reason and intellect. Later after D and you talk, you can, and need to, emotionally feel all this and work towards accepting it.

My mind knows that this is the reality now, and that it's not me, and that probably this R will crash and burn one day, but my body is thinking DANGER DANGER and the pain is literally in my limbs and my stomach and my arms and my heart -- it is the old pain, from a long long time ago.

You clearly state the “cars” and where they respectively are. Your mind knows. Your heart (subconscious) is getting there. The physical pain is caused from a hurting psyche; it manifests as actual pain. During my tormented days my entire chest - neck to belly and completely through from front to back - hurt nonstop. It was relentless. It was irrational. It was “almost” too much (thank you God). And it passed.

I feel like I am sending D out into a darkness, and then when she returns, she pulls me into it too. I am afraid that D even senses something about me, that I almost feel mad at her for telling me.

I was mad at my wonderful kids also when they went to see their Mom. Mad because Mom still (sort of) wanted to see them. You’re right an almost mad feeling or upset. And when XW didn’t want to see her kids, I felt relief and kind of happy. It was validation that this isn’t about me.

It was all driven by fear. And something I had to find forgiveness for - to forgive myself. What kind of Dad gets mad from their kids seeing their Mom, or happy when those kids get thrown away from their Mom. A scared and hurting one.

The battlefield is ourselves. Good and evil. Light and dark.

Good and evil exist. Neither survive without the other. Each is a choice and belief. When one really looks around one sees far more good than evil. But it does appear differently. Evil lies and attempts to loom larger than it really is. Good patiently journeys on, strong and secure in the knowledge that when someone takes good into their heart, really takes it in, that light will forever change them. Evil cannot compete against that kind of power.

DnJ, these are feelings only, they are not TRUE, I know this. But I have to do something with them when it's happening or D will see what I feel and internalize it. I am sure I have already damaged her in this way.

Gerda, feelings are true and need to be acknowledged. Thoughts are also true. As well as beliefs.

True and false become confused when our cars are at different spots on the path. One’s views of things depends from where they are looking.

You know feeling are not “true”. Feelings will flit and fade. Do they become false or just non-applicable?

As I said a lot is driven by fear. I’ve written quite a bit on letting go of fear. The rationalizing of, and uncoupling of possible future events.

One possibility that feed my fear and my feelings of mad towards my kids - the thought feeling that D15 (at the time) would want to live with her Mom. Thoughts rationalized what and why I was afraid. Sword and shield, I stopped feeding it.

As for “I am sure I have already damaged her in this way“. There are two possibilities:

First, lets say you have. It’s in the past, and you cannot change that. Move forward letting go of fear and not feeding those emotions. Listen and talk with daughter and continue being a great Mom.

Second, and more probable. You haven’t damaged her. Keep moving forward letting go of fear and not feeding those emotions. Listen and talk with daughter and continue being a great Mom.

The rest of the time, I focus on me and my kids, I build my life, all of those things we all know we must do and which allow for joy in our lives. But I need to find a way to deal with the Wednesday and every other weekend encounters without it destroying me. It can't just be a 2x4. I am one of the toughest women I know in every other regard, but this slays me every time.

It takes time to alter the irrational part of ourselves; feelings, emotions, and beliefs.

I do tend to encourage a far bit, even with some practical advice and things to do.

So, Wednesday and every other weekend is H’s time. Does son and daughter go, or just daughter? What are the times for Wednesday? 8:00am to 8:00am? How about the weekend? Friday 8:00am to Sunday 8:00pm?

I am sincerely interested, and this rationalizes your situation. In case you were wondering; I’m not just prying at something painful for no reason. (((Gerda)))

One way to deal with the custody days. Look forward to those Wednesday nights. You know, that golden realization of yourself that I highlighted. Enjoy it. Enjoy your Gerda time. Write, read, watch a movie, post to me. (Oh ya, other people reading along. Lol)

Work towards not steeling yourself to the return and discussions from daughter and son. Look forward to those times. See them for what they are - you being a great and sane Mom helping her children grow and creating a fantastic long lasting relationship between Mom and child.

I get how it slays you, really I do. It will pass.

Time is a wonderful companion walking beside us. Let it work it’s effect upon you.

Compassion, empathy, understanding, and forgiveness.

Light.

DnJ