Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4

[DaB35]

I think you need to read up on detachment because there seems to be some confusion. True detachment is achieved when you are no longer trying to control the situation and you clearly still are trying. IMO it takes at minimum a year to detach.

As for the Lighthouse, the ship may sail away for years before it comes back to port.

I sense there is definitely something else going on with your W. What you did was wrong but I do not believe it’s a dealbreaker.

Thanks LH. I will read up on detaching again. Yes I agree that I'm trying to control elements of things still, five months down the line. I will just continue to be a lighthouse of sorts anyway.

Interesting that you say there's something else going on. For her it was the extent of the lying. Her words to me in the BD email in July were, "It was unforgiveable for you to rubbish my love in the way you have. I don't love you anymore. The person I thought you were, you're not, and the person you are, I don't love."

Yet she'd say to me in person, "I don't hate you. You're not a bad person. You are kind."
[Notwithstanding the fact that she did say she hated me on the phone during an argument in May, along with calling me all the possible post watershed names you can think of.]

Detachment is all about ‘getting over ‘ her and ‘don’t care’.

Someone was in her ear regarding all this imho. Which of her caring angry friends or family doesn’t like you or prefers her single. I’m sure it happened to me too

Thanks DS. I'm OK. Had a nice gig today. I keep doing them as I can zone out and be in the music playing in the orchestra. No castanets today (!) but had some nice loud notes on cymbals and gong to release a bit of tension lol!

Yes I definitely believe someone has been in her ear. Well I suspect it's a combination of people.
Her sister - mainly because her sister knows about the chat I had with one of the women on line about her (W showed her the iPad). She then immediately unfriended me on Facebook and has not spoken to me since. W said her sister's husband "would probably kill you if he saw you" and "You are not allowed anywhere near their children." [nieces].

I don't think her sister disliked me before at all. I disliked her definitely, I just don't like her personality and find her irritating and very controlling to W.

W even told her sister's in-laws (they live next door to her sister). Her sister's FIL said "Yeah, just bin him."

Another possibility is one of her best friend. Out of the group of three, this friend is a bit of a 'mummy' to W and their other friend, always organising, always a bit prim and proper; essentially think of a 32 year old married woman with 1 child, but she acts like she 58. One of W's friends calls her 'Magnolia' in secret; that should give you an idea

Also, a number of W's work colleagues will have reinforced the idea of going it alone. As I've said in a previous thread, a lot of her work colleagues are separated/divorced. Those that tried to work it out have said, "I took my husband back and I regret it. I have a kid with him and I'm stuck now. I'm not happy." Basically, W now believes that her life will be the same.

She didn't want to try because "I don't want to have to keep checking up on you. I don't want to live a life like that. I can't be bothered to put the effort in." Really upsetting to hear her say that.

Thoughts?