May - discovery of my mistakes/lying. Arguments, anger, me flailing about, phonecalls lasting 2 hours that went nowhere. 24hrs after discovery she mentions S and D (email). She demanded I move out. I moved out (Probably a bad thing?). My IC began end of May.
June - Very up and down. Volunteered to do a Polygraph test on certain things W was worried about (passed). Meeting each other at the house regularly. Sex a few times. Worked on the house and garden a bit together. Even went out to dinner a couple of times. W seemed to soften. W admitted she was lying to her family about how many times we were seeing each other during this time. W said she felt guilty not telling them that I was coming to the house regularly to see her.
July - suddenly no contact from W. Ignored me for 3 weeks. BD again, more official, saying she doesn't love me anymore, on 29 July. Again, I broke a lot of Sandi's rules by pleading in my email response, and pursuing, saying I'd never stop fighting etc. She didn't reply. Therapy progressed the most here; discussed dynamic of the R and each of our flaws.
August - found DB and got stuff together. Received D papers. Therapy down to fortnightly. Not a lot of contact from W now apart from logistics. Met mid-August to split assets. Horrible. She agreed. I began trying to validate when she spoke. She seems to be regressing to her rebellious student days of smoking/heavy drinking. When back at my parents', I do things and go out to take my mind off things. This works. One thing I did do that was definitely pursuit was smoothed over by validating her reaction - I got an apology from HER that she was "harsh", totally unexpected.
September - Therapy down to once a month. Saw W on 15th September re house sale. Validated where I could. Gym started officially. Massive confidence boost. Very little contact from W now.
October - Nailed down issues in therapy now. Virtually no contact from W now. One email from her re court order/finances relating to D; saying she is unsure of the process and can I look into it. She did ask how I was ("Hope all is well with you"). I get info which explains the process - actually it was all in the link she sent me in the first place! - and send it back to her. No response still, 4 days later. W moves in to brother's house; tells me she will occasionally come to our house to work. Decree Nisi granted 29 October.
I worry that I've detached too aggressively since August and she might believe that I am "over her" or "don't care" about her now. Or possibly her enablers may reinforce this thought in her mind. I have had in my mind the 'lovingly detach' mantra, where I let her go to see what her life is like now separated.
A mutual friend tells me W is still 'in a bad place' a few weeks ago. I feel sad for W. I miss her but am so frustrated she has thrown it all away so quickly - acting on impulse not logic, but at the same time I fully acknowledge my failings as a H and address them. I've changed now for myself. Recent posts should hopefully get that message across.
Is it normal to feel this way? Have I detached appropriately given my situation? Can I still be a lighthouse for her if we hardly see each other now and I have no idea when we will next be in the same room?
Me - 36, W - 32 No kids T - 8 yr, M - 3 yr Discovery - 14 May 2019 S - 25 May 2019 & D bomb - 29 July 2019 D & House sale final - Feb 2020
