Organic Blue Sky

[HaWho]

Tomorrow is my 5 year anniversary of BD. It is unbelievable that a 1/2 decade has passed and still more unreal what happened in the following years.

Sometimes still, I think of who my ex was and cannot reconcile who he became. And yet, when I think back on it there were some head scratching moments in our life together that now, in hindsight, show he was heading on a collision course. Recently, I came across a photo of him when he just turned thirty. He had a tough time with that number. Aging was always an issue for him. And sure enough, in the photo there is an oddness to his eyes. They are not shark eyes but deer in headlights.

I know now that anyone who has an MLC was always a bit broken. We gloss over the oddities because we are fixers.

Ex still ignores me completely if we are at the same event for kids. It is sad for the kids.

I have very few glimpses into his life. What little I see is very unimpressive. He is buddies with s17 in a way that I know will bite him when S17 grows up. Many months ago S17 would not clean up his room. This was over a year ago, soon after ex moved out. My niece was visiting and I told him it needed to be done before she came. He stalled and stalled. The night before her arrival I put the screws to him and said it needed to be cleaned now. He started to text his dad spinning some story to get out of it. I called ex and explained what was happening and asked him not to involve himself as son needed to clean his room.

Well, ex picked him up and let him stay at his house for days. That is the person with whom I am coparenting. Pathetic abuse of his power as an adult. And I called him and said to him he should be a father not a best buddy, sent him a pic of the room (truly gross- just like ex’s dorm room used to be, hah). Then I turned off s17’s cell service and told him it was punishment for not cleaning his room. Ex told me s would not leave his house until I turned the phone back on. See that? So smart of ex to be son’s wingman and build that buddy relationship.

The two of them just grew closer. Better buddies through it all. One other time, same thing: ex took s17 in when he wanted to get out of chores. It was really sad to see that manipulation in my son. But I could see they were the same mental age: too teens using each other to get what they wanted.

I know this will blow up on ex once S17 grows up and realizes his father was more interested in being liked than telling him to fulfill his responsibilities. Ex also involves s17 in matters like bills we are paying and says dishonest things like I don’t pay my half. It is so sad how ex is more interested in being liked than being a real dad.

Ex still always brings up how much he has to pay me. He definitely thought the D would be something he controlled. He tried to write his own proposal! Uhh, I’ll pass on that and get a lawyer. He recently made a comment that he “gifts” me money. I was straight and said he does not “gift” me anything, rather, he is “ordered” to pay this by the state of California. Uh, you don’t have any control here buddy.

A few weeks ago, s17 was very rude to me on the phone. Long story short, I told him I would not be spoken to that way. He buddied up with his dad and decided to stay there on days he was supposed to be with me. He has learned he can get out of things by running over there. Sad. I texted ex saying this was all bad, s17 was learning how to get out of being responsible, learning to run away and it was wrong of ex to buddy up with him. Ex told me his house would always be open to s17?!?!?! Umm, so he can run away from his chores and from being respectful?!???!

The days s17 stayed with ex were hard, dark days for me. I felt like the only adult in the room. By the third day s was supposed to be with me, he wasn’t even texting me that he was not coming home. It was very painful and stressful. I realized I was defanged by this immature relationship the two of them built. Anytime I tried to parent, s could run to daddy.

It was not a relationship I wanted anymore. So unhealthy on all fronts. I had to let go. I started divorce busting my kid. I detached and acted as if. I stopped calling or texting him. I was not going to bend this time. Ex texted me saying that if I wanted s17 back I was going to have to call and ask him back?!?! No thank you. Done negotiating with two manipulative 17 year olds. I did not answer. I left them to each other. In my head, I treated it like the affair partner relationship. Give them to each other.

Many days later when s17 was supposed to be at my house he returned and was there when I came home from work. I just acted as if. I think he could sense something in me had changed; which it had. I let go and dropped that rope to save my sanity.

That night he first returned S17 texted me from downstairs asking to talk. I ignored it. It was late and I was going to bed and didn’t need the stress. That too is different for me; ever the fixer. I am finally learning how to take care of myself. He came upstairs and he initiated the conversation. He told me he wanted a better relationship with me and that he recognized he made a mistake and that he needs to follow my rules. He was quite upset, crying through it. I was not. Also a first. I was very matter of fact. I told him I loved him but this behavior did not work for me. I was candid and called him out on his manipulation and said it was sad that his father and him tag teamed up in this fashion. I said if he wanted a better relationship with me, that needed to stop.

Things got better from there. I texted s the next day and thanked him for talking. And most importantly, I see glimpses of s growing up. I know someday s will remember these events and understand he was being used by ex. Funny enough, ex had a buddy relationship with his dad and step mom growing up. It took him until his 30’s to see it. He told me once that he smoked pot with his step mom when he was in 3rd grade and then took a bath high. I was appalled and told him she put his life at risk. He could have fallen asleep high and drowned. He glossed it over but when our first son was in 3rd grade he finally understood what she had done and he lost respect for her. I know s will lose respect from him, too.

My sense is ex has zero life. He seems always available to hang out with s17. I don’t get the sense there is a raging romantic relationship for ex. I could be wrong but it does not seem so. He stands all by himself at events. Just comical as he could not wait to get away from me to build this amazing fun life. He moved 1 mile away and seems to be working feverishly to be besties with S17.

As for me, things are pretty good 5 years out. I survived and am stronger and wiser for it. I stay pretty busy but also relax on the nights I don’t have the kids. I sit by the fire and just enjoy the peace in my life after so much turmoil.

I am still dating this same guy. And that has been nice so far. He is very funny and we laugh a lot. He appreciates me and tells me that often. My sister was visiting and he met her. He made dinner for us which is something my ex never could do. He is very settled in himself. No issues with running from aging. This guy is all grown up which is super important to me after witnessing life with a man child. He cooks, cleans, irons, gardens; Renaissance man. And no, I am not dating Andrew!!!