Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4

[DaB35]

Well what I've been talking about in therapy is why I felt the need to use duplicity and the need to conceal it for so long. Essentially the brain gets 'wired' and 'used' to going down a particular path to acheive a goal. For me it was temporarily removing myself from a frustrating or stressful situation as I felt I couldn't open up.

My therapist gave a good analogy of this a few sessions in. She said: imagine a map of the UK is your brain. London is 'everyday life': work, cooking, sleep, TV, etc. Normality. Any activity you do is achieved by taking a road out of London to another town. Addictive behaivours have signposts saying "you COULD go down here." So you do, out of curiosity initially. Then you find it fills a hole. It's easier to do that than face up to a problem or talk it out, so you keep going down that path as it's easy, and it then turns into a motorway. The brain is immediately conditioned to travel down that path each time you feel anxious, stressed, angry, etc.

What you work on is coming up with a list of alternative routes and cities/towns. Then you make a conscious decision to explore more of the UK (i.e. GAL) and also cover more distance. Meanwhile, the addictive behaivour path becomes overgrown and potholed - you effectively neglect it for the better routes. Then you can't even see the road any more and that's fine because you have so many other better positive options instead.

That really helped me understand that it was addictive behaivour and not a necessary path in my life. I made it part of me by assuming it was theo nly way I could deal with things.

My 180s essentially involved forcing myself to be vulnerable. I'd text my sister saying "I'm worried about this" or message a friend on Facebook about something and we'd talk it out. Even if just for five minutes, I felt better.

At the moment I don't have anything further to conceal really. I talk more to people generally and it helps.

Gym is good. Yes I'm working on the leg press - still at 50kg but I've upped the reps now. A definite change in the arms, and a tiny six-pack is starting to appear (probably more a bargain basement 4-pack for the moment haha!). I had to move some furniture at my parents yesterday and didn't find it as hard, so that's a good sign!

[DaB35]

OK - checked star signs for November for fun:

W - Gemini

"This is a chance to reevaluate your daily habits, health, routines, work, and life, allowing you to experience deeper fulfillment daily and bring about a powerful transformation. November 12 is a time to move inward for introspection and to rest, reflect, and recharge.

Trust that whatever unfolds is clearing the path for a new cycle in your relationships. Look back to see how far you’ve come and where you want to go next. Your relationships are deepening and moving to a new level.

[Don't think so!]

A positive Mercury-Pluto sextile on the ninth adds deep intensity to your romantic interactions and piques your curiosity about someone new and mysterious. You have a very persuasive attitude now, which can work to your advantage when trying to get information. There’s a new moon on November 26, bringing to light all kinds of new romantic possibilities."

Me - Leo

"There’s romance in the air on November 1, so you should have a lot to look forward to."

[No there wasn't. I went to work, had dinner, went to the gym, watched TV and went to bed - lol!].

"The sun also enters exciting Sagittarius on the twenty-second, renewing your enthusiasm for an ex or old crush. What was it about them that attracted you? Is that spark still there? There must be a reason you feel that same old romantic pull now. Explore those feelings, but with a new perspective.

[Not sure about that!]

You’re growing in your sense of security and belonging, emotionally as well as with family, and finding a sense of belonging in the world. But it calls for a conscious confrontation with the past, insecurities, childhood trauma, and/or painful experiences that have shaped your expectations. Then they won’t overshadow your present and all that is hopeful and blossoming.

[OK I concede it's accurate here to a degree]

You feel a dreamy pull on November 27, especially if you’ve been hoping for the best but dreading the worst. It’s nice to look on the bright side, but sometimes you can’t ignore reality completely. There’s a way to acknowledge what’s really happening while still donning those pretty rose-colored glasses.

You’re entering a new cycle, drawing you to take what feels like a risk at the end of the month. Take the lessons of the past year and follow your heart. It won’t lead you astray. "

Thing is, I always take these with a pinch of salt. It's easy to read into this and think "Ah ok, so W will meet someone at the end of November." Or is this 'new and mysterious person' me? Very easy to latch onto something suggestive here, and all get worked up tying one's mind up in knots saying, 'What does it all mean?!'

I won't read any more into it!!

[DaB35]

Had a generally good day today.

Went to a car dealership just for fun, looked around a few vehicles and humoured the sales guy by asking lots of questions. I walked away with nothing but it was all good. I'm currently looking at whether to downsize to a tiny car and then either hire a van for when I do gigs, or even buy/rent an electric van for gigs. Just doing some sums! Probably won't decide for several months yet.

Had a slight pang of sadness this evening, watching some TV with mum. I kept imagining W beside me and I knew exactly what she'd say and how she'd react to certain things on TV. Made me miss her. I am still wearing my wedding ring - I took it off a fortnight or so ago but I put it back on. At present, it feels right to me to wear it still.

It feels like we have both detached from each other, though she has done it out of necessity because she wants D. I hardly hear from her now. When I texted her this week to confirm her share of the monthly bills for the house (they all come out of my account) she used to tell me when she'd paid me. Now she doesn't even tell me; I just found out she'd paid yesterday myself.

I'm sure next week will be better - just had the set back with confirmation of the decree nisi being processed.

[DaB35]

Thought this morning:

Have I detached from W in the correct way so far?

Recap of timeline:

May - discovery of my mistakes/lying. Arguments, anger, me flailing about, phonecalls lasting 2 hours that went nowhere. 24hrs after discovery she mentions S and D (email). She demanded I move out. I moved out (Probably a bad thing?). My IC began end of May.

June - Very up and down. Volunteered to do a Polygraph test on certain things W was worried about (passed). Meeting each other at the house regularly. Sex a few times. Worked on the house and garden a bit together. Even went out to dinner a couple of times. W seemed to soften. W admitted she was lying to her family about how many times we were seeing each other during this time. W said she felt guilty not telling them that I was coming to the house regularly to see her.

July - suddenly no contact from W. Ignored me for 3 weeks. BD again, more official, saying she doesn't love me anymore, on 29 July. Again, I broke a lot of Sandi's rules by pleading in my email response, and pursuing, saying I'd never stop fighting etc. She didn't reply. Therapy progressed the most here; discussed dynamic of the R and each of our flaws.

August - found DB and got stuff together. Received D papers. Therapy down to fortnightly. Not a lot of contact from W now apart from logistics. Met mid-August to split assets. Horrible. She agreed. I began trying to validate when she spoke. She seems to be regressing to her rebellious student days of smoking/heavy drinking. When back at my parents', I do things and go out to take my mind off things. This works. One thing I did do that was definitely pursuit was smoothed over by validating her reaction - I got an apology from HER that she was "harsh", totally unexpected.

September - Therapy down to once a month. Saw W on 15th September re house sale. Validated where I could. Gym started officially. Massive confidence boost. Very little contact from W now.

October - Nailed down issues in therapy now. Virtually no contact from W now. One email from her re court order/finances relating to D; saying she is unsure of the process and can I look into it. She did ask how I was ("Hope all is well with you"). I get info which explains the process - actually it was all in the link she sent me in the first place! - and send it back to her. No response still, 4 days later. W moves in to brother's house; tells me she will occasionally come to our house to work. Decree Nisi granted 29 October.


I worry that I've detached too aggressively since August and she might believe that I am "over her" or "don't care" about her now. Or possibly her enablers may reinforce this thought in her mind. I have had in my mind the 'lovingly detach' mantra, where I let her go to see what her life is like now separated.

A mutual friend tells me W is still 'in a bad place' a few weeks ago. I feel sad for W. I miss her but am so frustrated she has thrown it all away so quickly - acting on impulse not logic, but at the same time I fully acknowledge my failings as a H and address them. I've changed now for myself. Recent posts should hopefully get that message across.

Is it normal to feel this way? Have I detached appropriately given my situation? Can I still be a lighthouse for her if we hardly see each other now and I have no idea when we will next be in the same room?

[LH19]

D,

I think you need to read up on detachment because there seems to be some confusion. True detachment is achieved when you are no longer trying to control the situation and you clearly still are trying. IMO it takes at minimum a year to detach.

As for the Lighthouse, the ship may sail away for years before it comes back to port.

I sense there is definitely something else going on with your W. What you did was wrong but I do not believe it’s a dealbreaker.

[DS9]

Hey Dan

How you doing buddy? Detachment is all about ‘getting over ‘ her and ‘don’t care’.

Someone was in her ear regarding all this imho. Which of her caring angry friends or family doesn’t like you or prefers her single. I’m sure it happened to me too

Cheers DS

[DaB35]

I think you need to read up on detachment because there seems to be some confusion. True detachment is achieved when you are no longer trying to control the situation and you clearly still are trying. IMO it takes at minimum a year to detach.

As for the Lighthouse, the ship may sail away for years before it comes back to port.

I sense there is definitely something else going on with your W. What you did was wrong but I do not believe it’s a dealbreaker.

Thanks LH. I will read up on detaching again. Yes I agree that I'm trying to control elements of things still, five months down the line. I will just continue to be a lighthouse of sorts anyway.

Interesting that you say there's something else going on. For her it was the extent of the lying. Her words to me in the BD email in July were, "It was unforgiveable for you to rubbish my love in the way you have. I don't love you anymore. The person I thought you were, you're not, and the person you are, I don't love."

Yet she'd say to me in person, "I don't hate you. You're not a bad person. You are kind."
[Notwithstanding the fact that she did say she hated me on the phone during an argument in May, along with calling me all the possible post watershed names you can think of.]

Detachment is all about ‘getting over ‘ her and ‘don’t care’.

Someone was in her ear regarding all this imho. Which of her caring angry friends or family doesn’t like you or prefers her single. I’m sure it happened to me too

Thanks DS. I'm OK. Had a nice gig today. I keep doing them as I can zone out and be in the music playing in the orchestra. No castanets today (!) but had some nice loud notes on cymbals and gong to release a bit of tension lol!

Yes I definitely believe someone has been in her ear. Well I suspect it's a combination of people.
Her sister - mainly because her sister knows about the chat I had with one of the women on line about her (W showed her the iPad). She then immediately unfriended me on Facebook and has not spoken to me since. W said her sister's husband "would probably kill you if he saw you" and "You are not allowed anywhere near their children." [nieces].

I don't think her sister disliked me before at all. I disliked her definitely, I just don't like her personality and find her irritating and very controlling to W.

W even told her sister's in-laws (they live next door to her sister). Her sister's FIL said "Yeah, just bin him."

Another possibility is one of her best friend. Out of the group of three, this friend is a bit of a 'mummy' to W and their other friend, always organising, always a bit prim and proper; essentially think of a 32 year old married woman with 1 child, but she acts like she 58. One of W's friends calls her 'Magnolia' in secret; that should give you an idea

Also, a number of W's work colleagues will have reinforced the idea of going it alone. As I've said in a previous thread, a lot of her work colleagues are separated/divorced. Those that tried to work it out have said, "I took my husband back and I regret it. I have a kid with him and I'm stuck now. I'm not happy." Basically, W now believes that her life will be the same.

She didn't want to try because "I don't want to have to keep checking up on you. I don't want to live a life like that. I can't be bothered to put the effort in." Really upsetting to hear her say that.

Thoughts?

[DS9]

Hey Dan

Yeah, it sounds like the odds were stacked against you with all these 3rd parties. The divorced ones are the worst. Your XW would have told them everything, and they would have told her what to do, chapter and verse. It is my observation and experience that sometimes females tend to do what their friends tell them to do, and it snowballs.

Not sure what it was like for you, but very frequently my XW would tell me all about the woes of all of her friends, especially their relationship problems. Sometimes I would be asked for my advice on what these friends should do. Pretty much all her friends had very bad XH's and troubled relationships with new partners. XW would report back to me and usually my advice was taken with thanks. Oh, how that backfired in the end!

I'm almost certain my XW had her best friend in her ear. A week or 2 before BD they met up for lunch, and night after BD they had a planned evening out with another friend. This best friend wanted me when I first met my XW 15 years before. I was the go to guy for bouncing ideas off when this best friend had ongoing R problems and doubts. XW even had the gall shortly after BD to ask me again about what her best friend should do with an issue that popped up. I've learnt a valuable lesson, that's for sure.

Prove all these people wrong Dan.

[DaB35]

Yes I think you're right.

Yes my W would do the same, discussing R issues with other people with me. She wouldn't ask for my advice but just more as a bit of five-minute gossip.

She would have told them everything. I don't know why she felt compelled to do this; she even said to me "I don't know why I told everyone; it just came out." Yes I believe it has not helped one bit. That's her way though - act first, think and reflect later (much later!).

My goal is to definitely prove everybody wrong. They will all be thinking and telling my W - "he's a bad man", "he's not worth it", "don't bother", "once a cheater always a cheater" and so on ad nauseam.

I know I should not be intending to prove these people wrong as first priority, since my turning everything around is for me. I have that the front of my mind definitely. It would be satisfying certainly for them to get to hear about all my positive changes. But I'm satisfied with myself and that's good for the moment.

[DaB35]

Update on D re finance/court order:

Email from W:

"Hi, Yes this is all fine, could you go ahead and organise all that, that would be brill.

Thanks

W"


So, to recap - we have just done an informal list of who gets what in the house and what happens to each of our accounts/money. Basically, all personal accounts are not shared and the one joint account is shared after all costs have come out of it.

One hand: I don't trust her to do it right. She skim reads and will probably make a mistake in a panic and be overwhelmed (which seems to be her fave word lately). It protects me as well as her.

Other hand: If I do it all - by that I mean contact a solicitor, keep her updated on the process, liaise with the L where necessary (and get W to do the same when needed) and get it done/copies sent out etc. - then I'm actively progressing the D aren't I? What message does that send?

I would push it back but then I really cannot be bothered to get an irate phonecall from her and say that I haven't done anything and she's had to do all the work etc.

What should I do?