I've exhibited weakness and was going through my own depression and would have anxiety attacks. Crying and pleading for my wife to understand my perspective on things. Concerns about money always brought me to a low place and she saw it. Being selfish when my wife needed me most (Steve pointed this out to me). Would those be examples of beta behavior as well?
Yes, absolutely! All are excellent examples.
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As far as Alpha behavior- any examples before I get the book? I'm thinking things like: keeping a calm and relaxed attitude, maintaining my confidence, being decisive, etc
One example from the book is when it comes to eating out, most couples get in this discussion: "Where do you want to eat?" "I don't know, what do you want?" "I'm not sure, what are you thinking?" VERY beta behavior. I used to do this with my W. Not anymore, now when I go out with my GF I say "let's go grab a bite, I'm in the mood for BBQ, was thinking Soulman's." That is alpha. Now alpha is not forcing what I want on her, it is just being decisive. My GF might say "I just had BBQ for lunch" and I will say "OK, let's hit Torchy's instead." So I'm still listening to her and adjusting if needed, but I'm not being wishy-washy. I think the book compares it to being a pilot and copilot. The pilot is steering and directing, but also respects the opinion and input of the copilot.
Another real-life example- my GF wanted to go shopping at Victoria's Secret. She had three bras pulled and couldn't decide, asked me what I thought. I told her I liked the bows and lace on one of them, and didn't like the color on another because it didn't go well with her skin tone. She continued asking my opinion on other stuff and I gave it. "No, I don't like that the panties don't match the bra on that one." "Oh yes, that would look very sexy on you, the color matches your eyes!" She was BLOWN AWAY. She told me later she had never met a man confident enough to even walk into VS with her, much less actually express his opinion and not just say "whatever you want dear." She said she thought it was incredibly sexy.
A lot of people think being an "alpha" in the relationship means being a pushy, opinionated, selfish jerk. It's not, it's more about being decisive, confident, sexy, and a little bit of a bad boy sometimes. Getting BD'd brings out the most beta behavior possible in most LBS's. A lot of what we discuss here, like saying "I don't want you to leave, I want you to stay and work on the M. But if leaving is what you want, I won't stand in your way" is alpha behavior. You're not trying to control her, you are letting her make her own decisions. You are stating what you want, but allowing her to choose.
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If this family isn't what she wants, then whats the sense of trying to DB?
Well right now you don't know what she wants because she doesn't know. She may seem sure of herself but she's not. There's a lot of internal struggle going on. So you give her time and space while she sorts it out.
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For the past 4 months he hasn't been experiencing that love between his mommy and daddy and I think he's starting to feel it. He seems more irritable and disrespectful. Just the other day, I picked him up from school and he immediately started to sob and he couldn't tell me why. He loves martial arts like me, but hasn't been wanting to train lately. One day when I was feeling really depressed, I cried uncontrollably and he seen me which made him cry as well. I felt horrible for that.
Get him in IC, he needs someone to help him learn to navigate this. And it needs to be a neutral 3rd party rather than you or your W. Talk to the school counselor about what is going on and see if he/she can talk to him and keep an eye on him for problems.
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Do I tell my wife that our son has been having issues with her not being at home as much as before?
No, just tell her he seems to be struggling and that you think he needs to be in IC, and that you want to talk to the school counselor and ask if she wants to be part of that conversation. It is VERY important not to blame your W. Not to her, not to your son, not to the counselors. This is a difficult time for your S and he needs help, it's not the time to throw anyone under the bus.
