Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4

[DaB35]

One thing I've taken from NMMNG is the idea of fear and how to deal with it.

I had always been afraid of 'messing up' in front of others, making myself look silly or doing completely the wrong thing and have people laugh at me.

I was afraid of arguing with W - well not arguing but getting my view across if it differed to hers. Actually, not just her, in general. In a group of friends I would shy away from putting forward my POV on something (anything) for fear of someone calling me out and being wrong. I had done this for years and years, always thinking my thoughts did not matter. So in order to placate W I would not pick her up on things she said or did that riled me, and state how I felt. Or if I felt pressured or nervous at work I wouldn't say; I was afraid of opening up and appearing fallible to her.

I don't know if this is partly due to her 'bigging me up' to everyone she knew: she had this amazing H who is perfect and helps round the house and isn't lazy and is really kind and talented etc. So anything I did that was against that was a massive failure in my eyes so I didn't ever become vulnerable to her.

I don't feel that as much now. Just got home from IC. Another good session, where my IC has said that I've really taken such big steps forward that I've got into the habit of turning OUT on myself rather than turning IN on myself. I'm talking more, listening and communicating more, being more positive, accepting failures/mistakes (however tiny) and learning from them rather than dwelling on them.

IC was wondering if W and I would still remain friends. Logistically how would it work - where would we meet, how often, etc. I said I hadn't thought about it. I just said I'll take it as it comes. If she moves on completely and tells me she has decided that she doesn't want me in her life full stop, then it really is her loss. I'll know that I had a lovely 8 years with this person, a wonderful time when I was close to someone, but she decided she did not want to "put the effort in" (her words) when things got really bad. My sister said, "Why would you choose not to put 6-12 months of work into something, if it meant you could be happy for 40 years after that? I just don't get it!"

She will look back and see a new, reformed man with purpose and a better attitude towards himself who is getting on with his life and being the good person he really is and has been all along.

IC and I discussed what my goals were for the next 5 years. I just have two: get my own house, and pass my last set of exams so I become a fully chartered accountant. No R goals in 5 years. What happens in that respect happens.