Wow Iowa, I have to admit, I'm a little confused by your logic. Moving her out of the MBR for posting nude photos is passive-aggressive and controlling. But stating "You can't post nudes in the house or I'll tell your mom and sister!" Isn't?
The general rule is to not share a bedroom with a cheater. Since they are the one stepping out of the marriage they should be the one to leave the MBR. You say you want to ask her to move out instead. What happens when she says "no"? Do you threaten to tell on her, like we are in grade school here?
And then this: "If I say that I won't be in a marriage where my wife posts nude, is that just begging to get a divorce?"
Really?!?! So you've already said she can't posts nudes. What if she continues? Here is the thing we are trying to get you to understand. You do not get to control her. Period. This has already been proven. Otherwise she never would have posted nudes to begin with. But what you do get to control is how you deal with it. If your ultimate goal is to never get a a D, then guess what? You are giving her a blank check to do whatever she wants, because she knows while you won't like it that you'll never have the backbone to take action. You were the one talking about lines and that posting nude photos may be that line. So what is it? You don't want a D no matter what, or you have a line that once crossed would cause you to file for D yourself?
Iowa, I get the impression you're a little spoiled. And you want everything on your terms. "I don't want a D but I don't want a wife that doesn't posts nude photos online!" That ship has already sailed. Now what?
And then you break the advice to leave her alone for now, invite her for Halloween?!? And then start pressuring and pursuing with the "I'm attracted to you" you talk?
This would have been better "I want to spend Halloween with my kids, I will pick them up tomorrow night at 5:30" When she balked. You say, "ok, let's decide when I will have them tomorrow night and when you will." Because I'm telling you, you're headed for divorce, you might as well practice co-parenting now.
I'm was asking if it is ALL controlling and passive aggressive. I can't force someone out of a bedroom any more than I can force someone out of a house, can't I?
Dude you need to let go of what I said in the heat of the moment. I acknowledge it was wrong and I didn't follow up. Do you hold onto little mistakes your wife makes too? you've mentioned all the time.
You guys keep saying that I don't get to control her. I get that. But how is moving her stuff out of the MBR not controlling or an attempt to control her. That's my question. No one has answered it.
I think the message I'm getting is that I need to file. That seems to be the only action I can take that will establish a boundary and show her that I won't tolerate her posting of nude photos.
Wow. I think we are seeing a bit of the dynamics going on in your marriage. This post is the first time I've seen you acknowledge that what you said in the heat of the moment was a mistake. That is all I was trying to get you to see. Instead you kept comparing it to us telling you that IF SHE DOESN'T STOP POSTING NUDE PHOTOS ONLINE then move her out of the bedroom. Notice the big if there?
And yes, you can insist someone sleep somewhere else. There is no legal requirement that she gets the MBR. Most states make it illegal to kick a spouse out of the house though since they are co-owners of the dwelling (or co-leasers).
And no one is telling you to file. What we are telling you is that taking that off the table entirely is a mistake. Your first post was asking how to save your marriage. When you got advice to that end then you switched to you being the WAS.
It really feels like you came here to argue. I truly am sorry you are going through this. Having had a similar thing happen with my W (sending nude photos to an EAP), I related to you. But you seem to be right-fighter, and as I already pointed out to you, being right doesn't always equal being happy. As a former right-fighter myself I can tell you that it rarely does.
You made a good point. I have been guilty of holding past statements over people's heads. Thanks for the reminder on that. I will never mention what you said to her in the heat of the moment again.
God bless you, I truly hope you are able to save your marriage.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
