I explained that I’ve been working to identify the major generators of negativity in my life, determining which ones I can change and taking steps toward that positive change. I have identified sleeping in the basement as a major generator of negativity in my life that is detrimental to both my mental and physical health (I’ve been drinking more so I can get out of my head and fall asleep and even then I’m lucky to get 5 hours a night). I also identified this as something I can control and so I took action. I mentioned that I had played out 100 different scenarios on how to approach it and no single one jumped out as a winner. I decided that I needed to put my new found confidence and self respect to the test and just do it. I explained that I can see how this comes across as selfish but that’s not where I was coming from. I need to work on me and sometimes that will appear selfish.
WHAT THE HELLLLLL brother we just all commended you for responding to her with a "yes" and nothing more and not wasting your time with long wordy explanations, and then you turn around the very next day and lay a long wordy explanation on her. FAIL! Be the alpha male of the house. You sleep in the master bed period. She doesn't like it you listen and validate- "I understand why you feel that way." "So you'll go back to the basement?" "No." "But blah blah blah!" "Yes I can tell this is a struggle for you." "So you'll sleep in the basement?" "No." Listen and validate, don't explain or reason or negotiate.
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She misconstrued a situation from Monday night so badly that I was able to prove her wrong with our texts. (Perhaps a bad idea?) She’s been dealing with a cold and I’ve offered to pick up dinner every night this week. She said it would have helped for me to pick up dinner Monday night but I did actually offer and sat in the grocery store parking lot for 10 minutes waiting on a response before heading home only to receive the response as I was pulling into the neighborhood. From there, I went into homeowner mode racing against the sun to mark my sprinklers so the lawn could be aerated the next day. She took it as selfish because she had to make dinner when she wasn’t feeling well. (I didn’t eat dinner that night). The topic of me spending so much time with her (family time) has been stressing her out and it’s selfish of me for not backing off. I still listened and validated while not letting myself be a push over. I have a habit of over apologizing so I was sure to do it only once. At the end of the conversation I apologized for causing her anxiety.
An alpha male wouldn't sit in the parking lot waiting for a reply. You said you would get dinner, then get dinner. She doesn't say what she wants, then get whatever YOU want and take it home. She doesn't like it? Then she should have replied.
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* She’s decided to stay in the guest room for now
Your attitude should be you don't care where she sleeps. On you, next to you, in the bathtub, wherever. Not your problem.
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* She acknowledged that I’m moving at a much more rapid pace for self improvement than her and I explained that my changes aren’t all gradual. I have some immediate 180’s I need to pull and I can’t wait to stay on the same page.
* I mentioned that her words “I need to work on myself before we can work on us” is the approach I’ve decided to take until she’s ready to work on us.
