Not willing to quit

[Turbine]

Yeah, I do need to get out of my head. Church last night and I managed to stay awake. Shamefully I have a tendency to fall asleep during the evening services. Reasons why are no excuse. Long days, sitting still... I've fallen sleep in front of my video games. Not making a comparison. More a statement that I get to a point and doesn't matter what or where.

Tired of the games. I want this divorce like I wanted to go on a deployment. Its going to happen and my participation is mandatory, willing or not.

I'm not even sure what I am fighting for anymore. I want my stuff. I wanted to go home... but that isn't there anymore. Like after I had been on the Enterprise for a while. I came home on leave and when it was time to head back I was like, well time to go home. Wow was that a revelation then... and one now.

Can the two of us work out? I don't know. Like I said, not even sure I want to anymore. There is no forgiveness in her. Not now, maybe never was.

There are many things I would change in what I had done if I could. But being her husband... wouldn't be one of those changes.

She wants me to let her go. For all her words and some of her actions, I'm not sure what she wants. Maybe to get what she thinks she deserves. Something from my inheritance? Because my parents didn't leave her anything specifically? Not how that works.

Had really dark morning yesterday. Even had a plan. What would it do though? Not a thing. Make a final dramatic statement. Sorry Billy boy. For all your writing and tragic love story with Romeo and Juliet. The Beatles with "All You Need Is Love" ( another lie). It's a lie. Life and Love is hard and takes work. I want to work on it with her. Or did. Now... now we will see.

Am I different? Yes, sure. How can this not force changes. I was wanting to be forever with her. Not sure she would grow enough. I'm not done.

Always thought we had made a good team. Complimentary and a good whole.