We are all on the same page. Some shake ups in this update...
I managed to calm down and digest the affair after finding the plane ticket info this morning. But it all went out the window when I heard her on the phone tonight. She was helping me cook dinner after I got home from GAL and of course it was 7pm, her new bedtime and she had to run off. Whatever. A bit later I go downstairs to go to the office, which is right next to “her bedroom”. She had music playing but I could clearly hear her on the phone. I honestly could make myself crazy wondering what exactly I heard, but it was a mumbly, intimate sounding, flirtatious conversation. Lots of talk about being too distracted to focus at work... It went on for a while, until finally she came out of the room and asked if I was doing homework when she saw me in the office. I said yes, and then (the part where I just couldn’t bite my tongue) I asked who she was talking to on the phone. She said xxx coworker. I said wow pretty weird stuff to be saying to xxx. She asked what I was talking about, acting like I’m crazy. The fuse is practically non existent so I knew immediately this was headed for an R convo as soon as she talked about the “discomfort” of being in the same house.
Well guys, I told her to get out. I said I know exactly what’s going on and I’m done hearing her ridiculous speeches about why I won’t leave. She’s having an A and will be the one to go. She did not go down easy, as you may have predicted. She chose the neither confirm nor deny approach on the A, and routinely turned it back on me leaving and it being the obvious answer. I wouldn’t budge, and probably used too many words to say no I’m not the one cleaning up this mess. Well at one point she slammed the door in my face while she started packing and was getting very emotional. I left the room and let her storm the house in her snow boots collecting everything she owns that she can fit in her car. Of course, it didn’t really end there and she roped me back in for the second half.
She brought out some divorce checklists she had printed and started waving them around the kitchen screaming. She said does she need to hire a lawyer, how is it going to go, tell her now. We need to start the process. Ultimately, it was a lot of back and forth of her pushing and me not saying anything different. Finally I proposed a plan I had discussed with my therapist that if I do not fight for the house, I can stay until May when I graduate. At first this was unacceptable and still not part of her vision. But that was my offer and eventually she had to consider it. She said she doesn’t know how the finances will work and she will only be paying the bare minimum, but this includes the mortgage and anything else I need. She will rent a different place. At the end she asked me if she could stay for the night and find a place tomorrow. I sat for a good while until I said okay. She also told me near the end, when it calmed down a bit, that she blew up at her boss and has been assigned anger management classes and is also seeking overall therapy on her own. She said she found out she can go off record (not sure how since I was told otherwise) and is going to start. She kept saying she is a piece of sh!t and just overall seemed so angry and full of self hatred.
Anyway, I feel scared about all this but it doesn’t seem like I’m in danger of her not paying for the home. And she will be the one to get a separate place, and I maintain the home. This feels like a win. The problem is the inevitable reality she can’t afford it and she already asked if it was feasible for me to work part time. She said she didn’t want me to have to work a bad job, I just told her I would look at options. Either way, party’s over and she has to face reality. At least she is actually discussing real options now rather than her one way only option I have rejected 100 times. She will give up everything if she wants this separation. And I have given her no choice because I told her I want her out. I expect to feel a lot more heat tomorrow. And I’m still not sure it I did everything wrong and you all can tear me apart.
