Relapse and Lost Progress Part II

[sandi2]

Maybe the question is what constitutes a$$ kissing.

NOTHING!!! Absolutely nothing! Don't confuse kissing a$$ with kindness, love, patience, or cooperation. Kissing her a$$ demonstrates weakness and it empowers her bullying. She knows you are a$$ kissing! There is absolutely nothing attractive about any man kissing a$$. This is why you have suffered with a sexually starved marriage. She lost respect for you as a man, b/c of this dynamic where she was calling the shots and you were kissing her a$$, and it killed the sexual attraction.

If she is hostile and manipulative like she was the night of my GAL, I am clear. But what if she is nice?

Let me be clear.......she is not nice. She plays you, uses you for whatever benefits her in any given moment. You are not clear about anything that has to do with her. Just b/c she is not showing her hatefulness when she tells you to run get her something, or to keep her company, or whatever..........does not mean she is being nice. It may be a moment one might identify as being "civil", but based on what you've told us about her..........I believe you go all melty-cheese whenever she behaves a bit civil. That's what gets you into trouble every time. You think she's being nice and you let down your guard. She's not nice, 44. She disrespects you, and you've lied to yourself until you can't see the truth.

Today, I told her I would not be the one to go get food.

If she is going to call this situation an IHS, then conduct yourself accordingly. You don't have kids, so you don't have to eat together, have cozy talks (or in your case........she wants to do all the talking and you do all the listening), or show up together at social/family events. Stop serving cake. Okay, so she went to the store and she washed something of yours........while it may be rare for her to do it, don't try to make it some type of sign. You don't even have to do something for her. In fact, whenever she does something you see as being along the "nicer" side, you had better sharpen your senses b/c this woman is setting you up to use later. It might be later that night, or next week/month......but it's coming.

Except I did briefly snoop on her computer. Still no access to messages so it's largely useless, but after our talk yesterday I knew she was likely looking at travel plans. Well, lo and behold, she has booked a ticket for $650 but not to Vegas like she claimed. Some city I have never even heard of (and I am good with geography) in the most random state you can imagine. This is more money than I think I have ever spent on one plane ticket, outside of international travel. And it is for one weekend. I also asked her if she had discussed the plans with the guy last night as she said she would, and she said no, she hasn't made any plans yet. Another lie for the books. As everyone has told me, the slow watching and waiting will always turn up the truth. I just can't fill in the blanks quite yet. None of it makes any sense. But you don't spend that kind of money to visit friends, right?

It makes perfect sense to me. You don't want to believe it, so you go into denial. Your wife is going away to be with another man, 44. Open your eyes.

I think another thing that may cause confusion for you is that you want to use the softer actions/methods you were applying last year when you had a fake reconciliation. That period has passed and things have shifted to a different phase. Now, you have to apply the last resort technique, and I mean the latter part of LRT. No more playing friends, b/c it confuses you. No more accommodating her. No more Mr. Nice Guy!

Forget filling in the blanks, b/c you would rationalize it if you saw living proof. I think you told yourself as long as she wasn't in an A then you could cope with how she treated you. It is not working.

Focus on what priorities you need to set to stabilize your emotional & physical well-being, while still meeting the demands of your studies.

Have a plan of activity (GAL) while she is gone on her "trip".