So I just got home from work and we had the discussion about last night. She was overcome with anxiety as soon as I laid down and didn’t sleep all night. She told me she realized that it was a reaction from all the nights she laid awake at night with panic attacks and I just laid there sleeping with my back to her. I listened and validated. She said the last 2 weeks have been good and we’re becoming friends again but she was not ready for me to be in our bed. I listened and validated and never offered to leave or suggest she leave. She was pissed that I just did it with no prior conversation and felt like I was being selfish for not thinking about her and how it would affect her. (I knew she’d be anxious but that would happen whether it was now or a year from now). I explained that I’ve been working to identify the major generators of negativity in my life, determining which ones I can change and taking steps toward that positive change. I have identified sleeping in the basement as a major generator of negativity in my life that is detrimental to both my mental and physical health (I’ve been drinking more so I can get out of my head and fall asleep and even then I’m lucky to get 5 hours a night). I also identified this as something I can control and so I took action. I mentioned that I had played out 100 different scenarios on how to approach it and no single one jumped out as a winner. I decided that I needed to put my new found confidence and self respect to the test and just do it. I explained that I can see how this comes across as selfish but that’s not where I was coming from. I need to work on me and sometimes that will appear selfish. She misconstrued a situation from Monday night so badly that I was able to prove her wrong with our texts. (Perhaps a bad idea?) She’s been dealing with a cold and I’ve offered to pick up dinner every night this week. She said it would have helped for me to pick up dinner Monday night but I did actually offer and sat in the grocery store parking lot for 10 minutes waiting on a response before heading home only to receive the response as I was pulling into the neighborhood. From there, I went into homeowner mode racing against the sun to mark my sprinklers so the lawn could be aerated the next day. She took it as selfish because she had to make dinner when she wasn’t feeling well. (I didn’t eat dinner that night). The topic of me spending so much time with her (family time) has been stressing her out and it’s selfish of me for not backing off. I still listened and validated while not letting myself be a push over. I have a habit of over apologizing so I was sure to do it only once. At the end of the conversation I apologized for causing her anxiety. Conclusion/Takeaways: * She’s decided to stay in the guest room for now * She acknowledged that I’m moving at a much more rapid pace for self improvement than her and I explained that my changes aren’t all gradual. I have some immediate 180’s I need to pull and I can’t wait to stay on the same page. * I mentioned that her words “I need to work on myself before we can work on us” is the approach I’ve decided to take until she’s ready to work on us. * She mentioned that we have been making progress on us indirectly. She doesn’t want to sweep the past under the rug and I whole heartedly agreed. *I’ve missed so much family time the past couple years and have a whole new appreciation and find so much joy in it now. How do I detach and still spend time with the family? * She’s resumed her IC search. She got discouraged when her first 3 choices didn’t pan out and gave up for a week or so. She left 4 new voicemails today! I’m back to sleeping alone but at least I’ll be in a comfortable place and I’ve shed a significant stressor in my current life.
