The other shoe

[SteveLW]

I only have limited time for updates, sorry.

I got a text from my W last night saying that she was thinking things over. She also told me she told her sister that we were having problems with our furnace and that's why she was staying with her with the kids. I didn't get into any other discussion but thanked her for the info. No other contact. I didn't reach out and she didn't either. It seems we are both cooling our heels on this for now. I

Look I am responsible for my own actions but I thought that telling her that she can't do that in our house and telling her that she was disrespectful to the marriage was what I was being encourage to do. I thought that I wasn't being a nice guy by letting her continue with her hobby. I thought I had to set a boundary about it.

I was told that my wife didn't respect me that I should tell her that what I will or won't tolerant. And enforce it. I thought I was doing all that. And she left.

So what am I doing wrong? I'm so low right now. The house feels so empty and I missed my kids. It's only for a day but Halloween is coming and I like to dress up with my kids. Should I ask my wife to come home for trick or treating with no expectations?

So let's go with this. So let's say you were taking back respect and establishing a boundary? (You weren't by the way but for sake of argument let's just say you were.) Where in any of the advice did you see threatening to tell her mom and sister about the pictures, or getting into heated shouting match with her was taking back respect? Or establishing a boundary?

All of that makes me question whether you did all of cadet's reading. Or if you've carefully considered the advice that was given. What happens a lot is is that LBSs come here and want the forum to give them the magic bullet. "Tell me what to do so that tomorrow this will all go away!" Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. I wish it did. For all our' sakes.

What we can help you with is not getting into a situation like you are now. I admittedly am not an expert on boundaries, but boundaries are not demands or ultimatums. They are not things like "you CANNOT take pictures like that and send them from our house!" A boundary is something you set and then take action on yourself.

Boundary: I will not tolerate my W taking nude photos and sending them to other men on the internet,
Action if boundary is crossed: I will move all of her stuff out of the MBR into the guest bedroom, basement or somewhere else, and make it clear that she is not welcome back into the MBR until assurances with transparency that it has ceased are in place.

Note, that is also how you take respect back. Commanding respect is about ACTION, not WORDS. Shouting at her, making unenforceable threats, and threatening to tell others doesn't command respect.

And finally, did you see the advice about validation? "You not paying attention to me made me take nude photos and post them on the internet!" The wrong response is: "Oh no, don't put that on me!" Any 12 year-old can say that. Calmly responding with: "So you feel I've been ignoring you so you took that action to gain attention." Note, as stated multiple times by multiple posters above, all that statement did was validate how she felt....it neither agreed or disagreed with her supposition.

The reading in cadet's first response is so so fundamental and important that I cannot overstate it.