New to the forum, so forgive me not using the right terminology.
Quick recap, we met in Church, dated 9 years and married 20. Have 4 girls (18, 16, 13, 5). I've been increasingly travelling more and more and have been away from home too much, my wife took on all of the burden of the kids, the home and paying the bills (which caused some big financial problems I had to resolve over and over).
I've felt her distant from my the last 2 years, first she wouldn't say "I love you" just "me too" when I would say it. And last year she wouldn't even respond. We had some issues with the house that I was resolving and put that in the backburner and didn't address it on time.
I've been wanting to talk to her about our issues for a while and finally had the chance more than 2 months ago. She told me "I haven't loved you for 6 years (very specific), we don't have a relationship and we should get divorced". I reacted extremely emotionally and did all the "dont's" you are all aware about. She said it was better for the kids, I can find somebody better for me, etc. etc.
Weeks later I got served divorce papers, and we have mediation coming up in about a month and a court date later in December (merry christmas).
I've made some changes myself, stopped the travel, took on the task for driving the kids around ... at first she resisted and felt that I was taking over what she's been doing, but now she relies on it. She leaves every other weekend to stay at a friend's house, that hurt like hell but lately I've accepted it and given her her space.
Anyways, I've been trying to focus on myself, try not to be sad all the time (hard) and not engage her in direct conversation about the relationship. However yesterday she had an accident (very minor) because she was texting me and driving (talking about the divorce :-/). I asked her if she was ok, she wouldn't answer ... she would just tell me "your car is ok", "your car is ok". When I got to the scene of the accident she was cold and distant, she got back on the car at the end and started crying. I got in the car, sat next to her to calm her down she kept telling me (not yelling) to leave the car.
Last night we talked about many things, and I asked her why she wouldn't tell me how she was doing it. That I was genuinely worried about her, and that no matter what is going on we should expect to care for each other being ok. She told me I didn't care how she was in the past, and gave me several examples. And here's the main issue, she has a lot of hurts ... many legitimate, many somewhat exaggerated, and she cried a lot but I felt it was positive to talk about them for me to listen and to acknowledge her hurt and my part in causing it. I did wait and explained a bit why some of the things she mentioned happened, without making excuses. And she listened.
So all the techniques here are about detaching, giving space and distance, and I get that. However, I'm running out of time and I feel like I have to keep finding opportunities to connect with her somehow, specially emotionally. If I just detach and not engage her enough, I feel like I'm just going to run out of time and there'll be no way to stop this divorce.
Last night she told me she wanted to be with somebody that wasn't 50/50 , 20/80 but 100% ... I really want to see how I can show her and make her feel that that person can be me. She did at least recognized I've made changes, but said it took her filing papers for me to change.
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL).
DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Your H or W is giving you a GIFT. THE GIFT OF TIME. USE it wisely.
Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon
Me-65, D32,S31
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Sorry you find yourself here mate. How are you coping?
I see that as a good sign that she's listening to you (the last night talk) and you're validating how she feels. Check out the 5 love languages on google. Don't initiate R talks. You're there to listen and validate if she initiates.
I think your one month timeline needs to be reconsidered. The divorce, if she goes through with it, is a formality, a mere sheet of paper in the new greater scheme. What is important is that you lost her heart, and getting it back is the focus, not trying to do as much as you can in the next month trying to stymie the divorce. The journey you are on will take months if not years. Do not rush things over the next month and in doing so, stuff up your chances. Take your time. Consistency in 180's and time and patience is key. Babysteps.
She is a different person for now. When she kept telling you to leave the car, is that the same woman you married? It's not.
No doubt some of the veterans will be here shortly to give some sage advice.
Good luck mate. Cheers DS
Me: early 40's XW: nearly 50 T: 15 M: 5 BD: Jan 19 S:10 SS: 22 SD: 24
I've felt her distant from my the last 2 years, first she wouldn't say "I love you" just "me too" when I would say it. And last year she wouldn't even respond. We had some issues with the house that I was resolving and put that in the backburner and didn't address it on time.
I feel like I'm just going to run out of time and there'll be no way to stop this divorce.
I'll second what DS9 said. Your wife says she hung in for six years, at least two years beyond when she could say, "I love you." I wouldn't expect her to turnaround in 1 month. I wouldn't expect her to stop the divorce. If you want a second shot with the mom of your kids, settle in for the long haul like she did.
Has she talked at all about a timeline for moving out?
Originally Posted by "Augosto"
I've made some changes myself, stopped the travel, took on the task for driving the kids around
A good start, making positive changes to yourself.
Originally Posted by "Augosto"
she has a lot of hurts ... many legitimate, many somewhat exaggerated, and she cried a lot but I felt it was positive to talk about them for me to listen and to acknowledge her hurt and my part in causing it.
Nice! Listening, acknowledging, and admitting fault when true and truly felt is all good.
I wish you well. I hope you post often and reach a happy ending of some sort.
Sorry you're here Augusto. I remember last May being right where you are and thinking I just had to show her something to stop the divorce. The best thing you can show is your back as you walk your own way.
Believe nothing she says and only half of what she does. Drill that into your head. Not everything she says requires a response.
Quote
So all the techniques here are about detaching, giving space and distance, and I get that. However, I'm running out of time and I feel like I have to keep finding opportunities to connect with her somehow, specially emotionally. If I just detach and not engage her enough, I feel like I'm just going to run out of time and there'll be no way to stop this divorce.
What do you think is the one action that would show her, that would change her mind for good?
I don't believe there is one.
I recommend LRT:
1. Stop pursuing (like asking her how she is doing) 2. GAL 3. Wait and see
Quote
Last night she told me she wanted to be with somebody that wasn't 50/50 , 20/80 but 100% ... I really want to see how I can show her and make her feel that that person can be me.
Try validating. That means putting yourself in her shoes a little, or least accepting that she feels that way. Say "Yea, I get that" or add to it if you're more wordy than I am.
Let go of her exaggerations and rewriting history, it's normal and you can't change it anyways. Read here and post here.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
Thanks for all the advise, I wish I had found this forum months ago!
Yesterday I got home around 7pm, my wife was sleeping in the couch with her meditation/relaxing music in the background. She was completely drained, I think it had to do with our discussion the night before maybe also the scare of the accident. I tried my best to get the kids to leave her alone so she could rest, she slept all the way through until this morning. She was going to cook something but I got everybody pizza and wings so she wouldn't have to worry about anything.
This morning she was her usual distant self, I did get a chance to wish her a good day and she responded. Touched her back, she didn't move away as she sometimes does. Not reading too much into that, but her reactions are not always consistent.
Tomorrow will be interesting because its halloween. Not sure if we're going to walk with our 5 year old together or if she's going to ask me to just go with her by myself.
This weekend is her "weekend with the kids". I usually stay around the house, but I'm thinking of making myself scarce and do something fun. She's kind of taken advantage of me on those weekends by asking me to stay with the kids while she goes to do something else. Sunday is one of our daugther's birthday, so no idea what we'll do. The awkwardness continues ...
Touching her back is pursuit. She has told you she doesn't want to be with you. By pursuing, she thinks you haven't really heard her plus she keeps you as plan B. Are you worthy of someone's primary attention, or are you happy with being a plan B? Which mindset do you think is more attractive to women?
By trying to close the distance it appears that she keeps moving further away. You can't catch her no matter how fast you run, she has to want it. Plus, don't you want her to want you?
I wouldn't ask her about Halloween, just tell her your plans and that she is welcome to come along or not. Leave it at that.
If this weekend is her weekend, then you should definitely get out of the house and get busy. Make plans with friends for the evenings or even solo if you must. Let her feel the reality of the choice she is making. Don't stand in the way of the consequences of that choice. Don't be rude. Be kind but treat like the cashier - polite, but brief because you have other things that are deserving of your attention.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
New to the forum, so forgive me not using the right terminology.
Quick recap, we met in Church, dated 9 years and married 20. Have 4 girls (18, 16, 13, 5). I've been increasingly travelling more and more and have been away from home too much, my wife took on all of the burden of the kids, the home and paying the bills (which caused some big financial problems I had to resolve over and over).
I've felt her distant from my the last 2 years, first she wouldn't say "I love you" just "me too" when I would say it. And last year she wouldn't even respond. We had some issues with the house that I was resolving and put that in the backburner and didn't address it on time.
I've been wanting to talk to her about our issues for a while and finally had the chance more than 2 months ago. She told me "I haven't loved you for 6 years (very specific), we don't have a relationship and we should get divorced". I reacted extremely emotionally and did all the "dont's" you are all aware about. She said it was better for the kids, I can find somebody better for me, etc. etc.
Weeks later I got served divorce papers, and we have mediation coming up in about a month and a court date later in December (merry christmas).
I've made some changes myself, stopped the travel, took on the task for driving the kids around ... at first she resisted and felt that I was taking over what she's been doing, but now she relies on it. She leaves every other weekend to stay at a friend's house, that hurt like hell but lately I've accepted it and given her her space.
Anyways, I've been trying to focus on myself, try not to be sad all the time (hard) and not engage her in direct conversation about the relationship. However yesterday she had an accident (very minor) because she was texting me and driving (talking about the divorce :-/). I asked her if she was ok, she wouldn't answer ... she would just tell me "your car is ok", "your car is ok". When I got to the scene of the accident she was cold and distant, she got back on the car at the end and started crying. I got in the car, sat next to her to calm her down she kept telling me (not yelling) to leave the car.
Last night we talked about many things, and I asked her why she wouldn't tell me how she was doing it. That I was genuinely worried about her, and that no matter what is going on we should expect to care for each other being ok. She told me I didn't care how she was in the past, and gave me several examples. And here's the main issue, she has a lot of hurts ... many legitimate, many somewhat exaggerated, and she cried a lot but I felt it was positive to talk about them for me to listen and to acknowledge her hurt and my part in causing it. I did wait and explained a bit why some of the things she mentioned happened, without making excuses. And she listened.
So all the techniques here are about detaching, giving space and distance, and I get that. However, I'm running out of time and I feel like I have to keep finding opportunities to connect with her somehow, specially emotionally. If I just detach and not engage her enough, I feel like I'm just going to run out of time and there'll be no way to stop this divorce.
Last night she told me she wanted to be with somebody that wasn't 50/50 , 20/80 but 100% ... I really want to see how I can show her and make her feel that that person can be me. She did at least recognized I've made changes, but said it took her filing papers for me to change.
Any thoughts?
Why do you say you are running out of time? I either of you dying? If you mean because of the D, you need to stop thinking of the D as final. If R is in your future with her, it will not matter if there is a D or not. We've seen many a LBS come here that were terrified of the D progressing. That is out of your control. It takes two to make a marriage, only one to get a D. So continue to focus on you. Cement your 180s. Detach in a loving way (really learn what this means, because so many think it means things it does not). And make sure you are filling your time with lots of good GAL activities to keep your mind off of things and to stay busy.
Make her do the heavy lifting for the D. Don't do anything that you are not legally obligated to do.
D is a step in the process. It is not a finality.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
It's so sad, I don't even know what to do this weekend. I found a divorce support group at church, but the average age is way higher than mine, not that it's bad but was hoping to find more people around my age. Maybe I'll catch a movie.
I have stuff around the house I could do on Saturday, but I really think I need to get out more so I'll have to improvise.
