New to the forum, so forgive me not using the right terminology.
Quick recap, we met in Church, dated 9 years and married 20. Have 4 girls (18, 16, 13, 5). I've been increasingly travelling more and more and have been away from home too much, my wife took on all of the burden of the kids, the home and paying the bills (which caused some big financial problems I had to resolve over and over).
I've felt her distant from my the last 2 years, first she wouldn't say "I love you" just "me too" when I would say it. And last year she wouldn't even respond. We had some issues with the house that I was resolving and put that in the backburner and didn't address it on time.
I've been wanting to talk to her about our issues for a while and finally had the chance more than 2 months ago. She told me "I haven't loved you for 6 years (very specific), we don't have a relationship and we should get divorced". I reacted extremely emotionally and did all the "dont's" you are all aware about. She said it was better for the kids, I can find somebody better for me, etc. etc.
Weeks later I got served divorce papers, and we have mediation coming up in about a month and a court date later in December (merry christmas).
I've made some changes myself, stopped the travel, took on the task for driving the kids around ... at first she resisted and felt that I was taking over what she's been doing, but now she relies on it. She leaves every other weekend to stay at a friend's house, that hurt like hell but lately I've accepted it and given her her space.
Anyways, I've been trying to focus on myself, try not to be sad all the time (hard) and not engage her in direct conversation about the relationship. However yesterday she had an accident (very minor) because she was texting me and driving (talking about the divorce :-/). I asked her if she was ok, she wouldn't answer ... she would just tell me "your car is ok", "your car is ok". When I got to the scene of the accident she was cold and distant, she got back on the car at the end and started crying. I got in the car, sat next to her to calm her down she kept telling me (not yelling) to leave the car.
Last night we talked about many things, and I asked her why she wouldn't tell me how she was doing it. That I was genuinely worried about her, and that no matter what is going on we should expect to care for each other being ok. She told me I didn't care how she was in the past, and gave me several examples. And here's the main issue, she has a lot of hurts ... many legitimate, many somewhat exaggerated, and she cried a lot but I felt it was positive to talk about them for me to listen and to acknowledge her hurt and my part in causing it. I did wait and explained a bit why some of the things she mentioned happened, without making excuses. And she listened.
So all the techniques here are about detaching, giving space and distance, and I get that. However, I'm running out of time and I feel like I have to keep finding opportunities to connect with her somehow, specially emotionally. If I just detach and not engage her enough, I feel like I'm just going to run out of time and there'll be no way to stop this divorce.
Last night she told me she wanted to be with somebody that wasn't 50/50 , 20/80 but 100% ... I really want to see how I can show her and make her feel that that person can be me. She did at least recognized I've made changes, but said it took her filing papers for me to change.
Any thoughts?
Why do you say you are running out of time? I either of you dying? If you mean because of the D, you need to stop thinking of the D as final. If R is in your future with her, it will not matter if there is a D or not. We've seen many a LBS come here that were terrified of the D progressing. That is out of your control. It takes two to make a marriage, only one to get a D. So continue to focus on you. Cement your 180s. Detach in a loving way (really learn what this means, because so many think it means things it does not). And make sure you are filling your time with lots of good GAL activities to keep your mind off of things and to stay busy.
Make her do the heavy lifting for the D. Don't do anything that you are not legally obligated to do.
D is a step in the process. It is not a finality.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
