The other shoe

[Traveler]

Hi Iowa,

I wanted to be helpful by breaking down your conversation to highlight issues--

She wasn't that surprised. The she said that after being a mom for so long it felt good to have men lust at her body. I said she's was only a mom for a few years..

"She was only a mom for a few years" is a form of INVALIDATION called MINIMIZING. If you Google "Invalidation" and "Minimizing", you'll learn denying others' reality is poor communication in addition to being anti-DB. You can listen to, understand, and acknowledge her feelings without agreeing with her actions.

Then she said that if I had noticed her more then she wouldn't feel the need to do this. I said not to put this back on me and she is responsible for her own actions. It got quite heated.

It was her choice to post nudes. She felt she needed to do so to feel wanted, because she feels you don't pay attention to her that way anymore. Imagine listening and validating--"Wow.. you don't feel I notice you that way, you don't feel I lust after you anymore.. and that was a factor in your choice." I wonder what she'd say next, what openings that would've create. I'm amazed how my partner softens when I listen. This doesn't erase that posting nudes was her choice and responsibility--it just acknowledges her feelings and her reality. This was the moment the conversation could've turned radically positive..

I then said I would tell her mom and sister because I was disgusted. Boy she got made a that and called me all sorts of names. She said that I don't own her or can't control her.

And now it turns radically negative..

Threatening to tell on her (use shame as a weapon) sounds like an attempt to try to control her. Note how many previous replies to you were about dropping controlling behaviors.

and if she wanted to post pictures then she couldn't do it in our house.

This is a direct attempt to control her. As a co-owner and/or tenant, she can actually post whatever she wants from the home. You control you. She controls her.

I then invited her to leave if she felt like that She called up her sister and to come to get her and the kids.

Don't ask for it unless it's what you want. Oof, I learned this one the hard way, too.

Recognize that your W is also hurting. The more you try to control her now, the more she will resent you - she already does.

That's been a HUGE help for me in tough conversations, remembering my partner is hurting, too.