AS thanks for your input. i have been hoping to read input from you on my sitch. I am truly grateful for you, LH, Sandi2 and others for your valuable advice!
Absolutely! It's extremely difficult and painful to navigate this, and it's hard to find people that can relate. I'm happy to help and I know the others here are too.
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Well I read both DB and DR.... and I need to read and re read again.
It does help. I read DR fairly regularly when XW wasn't around, and I also found 5 Love Languages and The Happiness Trap very helpful. The Married Man Sex Life Primer too, it can be on the crude side but it helps to understand how some of the "laws of attraction" work. Oh and "Love Must be Tough" was helpful.
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Its sooo easy to screw up....and to hit reverse and try backing out is damn near impossible.
One thing it takes a while to realize is that no one thing really matters that much to your sitch. No one thing got you here, no one thing is going to fix your M, and no one thing is going to kill your chances. You're working on an upward trend, not perfection. If you make a mistake (and we all make plenty) then you think about it, learn from it, pick yourself up and keep moving forward.
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She then reminds me i said YEARS ago that it would take me 30 days, like my brother, to find another woman, THis is brought up and thrown in my face. So we are not in the heat of an argument. I asked is it a secret as to who your L is? She said no, and its easy to remember, her name is Meredith....just like the friend you have on FB. Well she apparently was told by her sister that I am friends with this woman who I am,, I will drop the friendship immediately and did tell the W when asked who she is, told her she bought some hay from me and has given me some advice on how to handle the sitch. Soo, this has opened up the "I dont trust you at all" and now I am wondering what to do at this time.
Another hard-earned lesson is that right now, she's looking for any and every excuse to hate you. You have a female friend on FB, you said XYZ 28 years ago and she never got over it, you breathe too loud, you chew with your mouth open, you left the toilet seat up 7 years ago. On and on. This is what WAS's do, it helps them justify leaving. How do you deal with it? Listen and validate. "I remember her name because it's the same as your friend on FB, I can't trust you." "It sounds like you are upset, is that how you feel?" "Of course because blah blah blah!!" "I can tell you are upset, I am sorry I made you feel that way." Validation is not agreement, or disagreement, or arguing, it's simply acknowledging she has feelings about something even if you disagree with them. Validation is the most important DB'ing tool in my opinion, read everything you can on it.
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"WAS's are masters of acting "as if". They act like the new life they're pursuing is perfect, the answer to all their hopes and dreams. The reality is she's struggling. There's a storm inside her, she's fighting between wanting to go back to her old life and thinking she needs to pursue a new one. Which will win out is anyone's guess, but don't believe the placid, happy face she's putting on, it's a mask."
Thanks for this post... i find strength that its not just me going through this.
This is one that people kept telling me back when I was going through the aftermath of BD and I insisted they didn't know my XW, that she was resolute and sure of herself, confident. Much later my XW actually told me that she was in turmoil, that it tore her up inside and she felt like she was ruining everyone's lives. She said she cried every day. I was wrong and the people here who have never seen or spoken with my XW were right. This person that we think we know so well, they behave differently after BD. There are patterns that the people here on this forum know and recognize that the LBS going through it doesn't because it's all so new to them. Your wife is going through a lot more than you realize which is another reason it's important to give her time and space, and to listen and validate without judgment.
