This might be the best thing I have heard in over a week. I have hope, but hearing it exists from someone who can relate so much to my situation has allowed me to take a deep breath.
Originally Posted by Steve85
1) Take back your bed. Just hop in the bed tonight at bedtime. When she protests just say "I decided I am going to sleep in here from now on. You are welcome to as well." And then leave it at that. If she doesn't like it, screams, yells, cries, complains, listen and validate....but stay in the bed. Remember, attraction is about respect for women. She might hate you for a few nights....but she WILL respect you.
2) Do not ask her out on a date yet. This is still brand new. Pursuit and pressure can come later as she moves back toward the marriage. Remember, most ICs are classically trained. THey will coach you to "woo her back". To "sweep her off her feet". That would have worked 6 months ago, or 2 years ago, or sometime in the past, but not now. Marriages are like cars. If you do the routine maintenance, change the oil, replace the air filters, change the brakes, then it will run well for a longtime. If you ignore routine maintenance, don't change the oil, and the engine seizes, well then routine maintenance is too late. Your marriage is broken down, it needs engine replacement no matter how many time you now try to change the oil.
3) Work on consistency in your 180s. Cement them. Make them just who you are. Eventually she will learn to trust the changes, but it could take a longtime. It took over a year before my W started to trust the new Steve85, and even then she still will test me now and again to see if I really have changed, and I am almost 2 years in!
4) Learn about loving detachment. EVen google "self-differentiation in marriage" to get a better perspective on what loving detachment is. That is a healthy way to be in a marriage, even if you never had a hiccup like this one. Learn about it and start practicing it. HINT: Become a master at listening and validating.
I feel good about your sitch, you just have to be diligent and consistent. But you need to temper all of that with a huge dose of patience. It took you years to get here, it isn't going to turn around over night.
1. Wow! Take back my bed?!?! That seems so counterintuitive but it’s also exactly what I want and need to do. Even if there’s no physical touching, I need to get out of the basement to shake the feeling of isolation and help keep myself positive.
2. I didn’t think I should ask her out yet either. The only things I walked away from my first IC was that I need to start letting go of the guilt and that my wife wants to be perused. I took that part with a grain of salt because I don’t believe I’ve conveyed the whole sitch yet.
3. I started out way too hard but have eased back and am trying to pick up more of the house work and helping with the kids more which is something I can definitely maintain. I’ve also tried little things just to change up the daily routine. I started making the bed every morning even though I wasn’t sleeping in it. I wanted her to have a clean and relaxing room to walk into at night to help relieve some of her stress. She told me I don’t have to do that but I kept doing it anyways. After a couple days, she started making it before I got out of the shower. I saw it and thought “aww, that’s cute!” and proceeded to tighten the sheets and comforter so tight my Marine Corps drill instructors would have been proud! She’s now thanking me every morning.
I fully understand the time and work ahead of me. I need to gain her trust back and the only way that’s going to happen is with consistency over time.
Thank you for the encouraging words. I’m getting better at keeping myself positive and not spiraling but sometimes I just need to know that I’m on the right track, or at least close to it. It can be difficult to convince myself of this while still so confused and feeling in limbo.
