I have to tell you, reading your sitch it was as if I was reading my own sitch. The similarities are striking!! The dynamics in your sitch are very similar. Even your LLs are the same for me and my W! And I would withhold WoA and other loving emotional gestures because my PT wasn't being fulfilled. It was all very passive-aggressive.
The good news is that there is hope!! But I do need to caution you, not to fall into the trap that detachment can't work mentality. We are guys. As guys we tend to be very logical. Think about this logically:
- For years you were absent emotionally and maybe even physically. - Then your W tells you that she doesn't want to be married anymore. - So your reaction is to suddenly try to smother her with being there emotionally and physically. - Of course she will resent that. That is what she wanted for years, and now she doesn't want it and you are forcing it on her.
Logically, can that be a winning strategy? When someone wants to be left alone the worst thing you can do is force yourself on them. However, you can get them interested and maybe get them to come back themselves. That's what happened in my sitch.
So yes do all of the 180s you need to. Be more upbeat, happy, fulfilled, pleased and confident. Continue GAL and being the best father you can be. Cement these changes (IC was a good call my friend!!), and be consistent. (I am sure you read sandi's rules, to me the most important one is to be consistent because one slip up can set you back.) But do not pressure or pursue her. Become the best you that you can be, and let her see that WHEN you have an opportunity to do so.
So what are some actions you can take right now to move things forward?
1) Take back your bed. Just hop in the bed tonight at bedtime. When she protests just say "I decided I am going to sleep in here from now on. You are welcome to as well." And then leave it at that. If she doesn't like it, screams, yells, cries, complains, listen and validate....but stay in the bed. Remember, attraction is about respect for women. She might hate you for a few nights....but she WILL respect you.
2) Do not ask her out on a date yet. This is still brand new. Pursuit and pressure can come later as she moves back toward the marriage. Remember, most ICs are classically trained. THey will coach you to "woo her back". To "sweep her off her feet". That would have worked 6 months ago, or 2 years ago, or sometime in the past, but not now. Marriages are like cars. If you do the routine maintenance, change the oil, replace the air filters, change the brakes, then it will run well for a longtime. If you ignore routine maintenance, don't change the oil, and the engine seizes, well then routine maintenance is too late. Your marriage is broken down, it needs engine replacement no matter how many time you now try to change the oil.
3) Work on consistency in your 180s. Cement them. Make them just who you are. Eventually she will learn to trust the changes, but it could take a longtime. It took over a year before my W started to trust the new Steve85, and even then she still will test me now and again to see if I really have changed, and I am almost 2 years in!
4) Learn about loving detachment. EVen google "self-differentiation in marriage" to get a better perspective on what loving detachment is. That is a healthy way to be in a marriage, even if you never had a hiccup like this one. Learn about it and start practicing it. HINT: Become a master at listening and validating.
I feel good about your sitch, you just have to be diligent and consistent. But you need to temper all of that with a huge dose of patience. It took you years to get here, it isn't going to turn around over night.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
