I think I should introduce myself as currently “optimistic” which is a 180 from a month ago. I’m 3 weeks out from the BD in my 12 year marriage (Advanced apologies for not knowing/using all the lingo; I’m VERY new here). I’ve been lurking for a few days now and have read the suggested articles and posts and even quite a few threads. I’m struggling because I’m not sure if I fit the standard “rules” because doing so goes against the changes I’m trying to make.
Long story short: I’ve been stuck inside a bad dream for a couple years and have missed out on some of the best times of my life. I could see everything going downhill around me and thought that I had tried everything so I think I just gave up. I hit rock bottom when my wife asked me to leave for the rest of the week on 10/08 following a routine disagreement. I VERY reluctantly left, went to a hotel and got in my own head for 4 days, before I finally WOKE UP! When I went home, I made all the mistakes I could possibly make. I begged, bargained, overcompensated (still happening), everything I could think of while in what I refer to as “my awakening”. It felt like I had fallen asleep at the wheel, driven off a cliff and am now submerged in a dark lake and sinking fast. First reaction is to take a deep breath and allow instinct to kick in. Find solid ground and established a base. From there, you can find a way “up” to the surface and that’s where I am now. I think I’m out of reaction mode and on my way to making permanent positive changes to myself.
When I came home, I moved into the basement. For the first couple days, I pushed her, not so much for answers, but for boundaries and structure within our new situation. Those were never set but met with a reply of “let’s figure it out day by day and check back weekly to see what’s working and what’s not.” That was 2 weeks ago but I trusted my gut and stopped asking. I’ve been in the dark ever since and cannot determine the best way to approach my situation or my W.
I decided to work on me and try to give her space. I’ve been extremely successful at changing my attitude in general and taking a new approach to life. I’m working out, eating better, had my first appt. with an IC, and spending more time and having more fun with my kids. We’ve been doing a lot of family Halloween stuff the past couple weekends and it was a bit overwhelming for my W at first. I’ve been doing more around the house…a lot more, but the intention now is to help her have an easier day and get to relax a little bit. It made her mad at first that I was doing these things and spending time with the family and she even asked “Where have you been these past years? You’ve missed out on a lot.” I told her I understand that I was completely absent as a H and F and can’t change the past but only work on where I go from here.
I’ve spent a lot of time looking at my past from an outside perspective as well as my wife’s perspective. Now I can see she’s been reaching out while pulling away at the same time. I only saw her pulling away and it made me push her more. We have very different love languages (Me PT and her WoA) and I think that’s where I went wrong. Everything became a test to see if she would show me love and when I felt rejected and unloved because she didn’t engage with me in a physical way (not just sex), I started resenting her and depriving her from the love she needed as a way of pushing back. It became about unmet expectations and with every one, I pulled away further. I started wondering if she was seeing someone else and a little over a year ago, my suspicions started getting the better of me. One of her very close family members had an affair and it almost broke up their family. She cut it off, he stayed, and now they’re better than ever, but it did a number to my head. About a month after that, I woke up around 3:00 am one night and noticed my W wasn’t in bed so I went down to look for her and found her on the phone with a guy I’ve never heard of. She said she was just having a panic attack (which is common for her) and she was on FB looking for someone active so she could just talk to pull her out of the anxiety. I have asked her about whether she’s had/is having either an EA or PA and she has repeatedly told me “no”. She’s never had sex just to have sex. She has to be in love first. She has a network of friends and family and our kids that she’s been going to for support. I’ve always trusted her and still do but am wondering if I’m a fool for doing so.
We’ve gone through the cycles of acknowledging something was wrong and scratching the surface to fix it only to find ourselves in the same discussion time and time again. I realize now that the cycle could never be altered; it needs to be broken and it all starts with me. I asked her if we could see a MC and it made her mad because she’s brought it up before and I was always too prideful and dismissive. She said she needs to work on herself first but would go see one if that’s what I wanted. I decided just to find my own IC and let her do the same for now.
So here I am now, completely confused. I’m living what appears to be a completely normal life with my family in all aspects except that I feel like a stranger in my own house and walk on eggshells trying to sneak in and out of our bedroom when she’s not in there to get my clothes for the next day. When we first started talking again a couple weeks ago, we hugged a couple times but have not physically touched each other in over 2 weeks now. At one point, she was holding onto the bag of food on the center console as I was driving us home and I reached to put an extra hand on it as I made a sharp turn. My hand brushed against hers and she almost instinctively pulled her whole hand away and let me hold the bag. I’m trying to remain positive and show her that these changes to myself are real, but I realize now that I’ve broken her trust over the years and right now, this appears to be the same cycle and I should be giving up in the next week or so. It’s tough to keep a smile and positive attitude when you are being completely deprived of love from your W, and she seems so content with the way things are now.
Part of me wants to go dark and let her come to me when she’s ready, but that’s the same cycle that I’m trying to break. Me pulling away is what made her decide we might be done. She has told me she’s willing to work on our M, but right now, I feel like I’m the only one actually working on it. We’ve completely switched roles and now she’s the cold one while I’m trying to keep things together. I can finally see how she’s felt these past years, but what I fear is that she’s going to go down the same dark road I’m trying to come back from and if she does, will she make it back to me?
We know that “us” as a priority has slipped so far down the list that we never get around to it anymore. She’s asked me to set up date nights for us several times but I never did. My IC suggested that I ask her out on a date and I was considering asking her to a movie since we wouldn’t be trapped in a couple hour conversation that would stress her out, but I’m not sure if that’s the right move right now. I could handle the rejection if she said “no”, but I’m afraid of pushing her further away. Again, we are back to normal conversations and even enjoying time together, but don’t share a bed. I don’t have a W right now, I have a roommate that I want to be my W and I’m not sure where to start to get her back.
