A year on and standing

[ToSmile]

A weekend which I was trying to keep my cool.

Saturday night we were out having a dinner with her family and extended family for her Aunt's birthday celebration. But through the dinner, she was impatient because she had arranged a Halloween party later with her friends and she wanted to go back to get her make up done as she was trying to dress up as some ghost. Earlier, before we attended the dinner, I gave her some tips on how to dress up for the party and she liked it. But as we were leaving the dinner place, she started showing her temper for whichever slight delay that occurs along our way back.

Got home and after the kids slept, she went ahead with her prep and left the house. She returned around 5 plus am in the morning and I was woken up by her coming into the room and also by a shoulder sprain that I had. As usual, she slept on my younger boy's bed which was a mattress on the ground next to our bed. After a while, she started texting discreetly lying down at the blanket.

I do not know if it was due to her past EA that I experienced and when I saw this, I just told her that she does not need to text so discreetly.. Was it another guy or what is the bunch of students that she used to hang out with? She mentioned no. She is just texting "Them" that she is back home safely. I asked her if it was other man? She mentioned no again. Then she tried to give an excused that she had fallen asleep and the phone slide off onto the bed. I told her, just tell me the truth. I saw her texting. She went quiet. Then I said, well if there's other guys, its ok. The kids and I will just proceed with the separation plan and I will wait for her Divorce paper (She mentioned she had proceed with the divorce papers with her lawyer since August but till date, My Lawyer and I have not received any notification or anything).

Then she said she went out with XXX and YYY (XXX husband commits infidelity and she stayed because he is rich and YYY divorced her husband as he was living off her and the 3 of them were like the 3 musketeers sharing their marriage misery). After that, I just leave it as it is and she drifted off to sleep. In the late morning, she woken up for the restroom and I asked her how she like her lunch to be done as I was cooking for the whole family and she replied me in a normal tone. Then before I left the room, she asked me why did I react in that manner whenever she went out and came back.

I told her, for the previous episode, she went out for the entire night and only came back in the morning without informing. And for this morning episode, I saw her messaging discreetly like how she was behaving when she had her EA. Thus, I am making my stand. Next, she starts to say that the divorce paper is already in process and we should know our role. I told her yes, I know that but as long as the papers are not signed, I am still her husband and she is still my wife and she has to respect that status.

Next, I mentioned to her the following but before I said, I told her that what I was going to say is not something that I wish to change her mind about the divorce she is seeking after but what I feel I have to say. I told her that it would be tough for me to be her "Friend" once we are divorced because, I don't think it is right for me to downgrade my status from a husband to be her friend just to make her happy and feel good. Then she said she acknowledged that. Then I told her, she had been complaining about her health is not that good and getting angry when others told her she looks pale and frail. But in all honesty even as a friend, has she reviewed about her own lifestyle?

When at home, she was sleeping away the entire day, skipping and missing meals. then at night, she will go out till the wee hours. And during the day time when the kids ask for her and awaken her to join them for activities, she would be so edgy and bad tempered due to lack of rest. Basically she was a shadow of her past. Then she started to divert the topic and start to mention that she felt she is in good health and she is ok. Then she starts talking about the kids saying she had sought advice from various parents how to manage them best at their age etc.

I told her I felt glad that you are taking reference from the others on their opinion and advises. If you might have done the same for your marriage from those successful couples. She started to defend herself saying she did and quoted a few couples which I thought they are of very different demographics (Her 3 musketeer clique or problematic and partying creature couples without kids). Then she started saying that everyone of them are having problems also but yeah. Her feelings for me is dead and its over and she started feeling like this 9 years ago. And I am only in this pain for 2 years only and I feel this way.

I laughed and told her that I though you mentioned that you were killing your feelings for me since 2 years ago but now it became 9 years? Did you upgrade your count because I am also graduating at the 2 years mark? Then she said her feelings had started to fade 9 years ago thus since 2 years ago she made up her mind to kill it off totally and now she totally has no feelings for me. Only possibility if only, is after the divorce and everything would have to start all over again.

I told her that I acknowledged that in the past, we have our own issues and we grow from it. In marriage, those that last, are those that have their marriage goal and getting through it together. I asked her why she got married and whats her marriage goal? She mentioned she got married to be happy and her goal was to grow old together and do the things we like to do. I told her there bound to be challenges and its how we overcome it. And happiness is what we achieve ourselves, not depending on others to give. I just be frank about it to her that it was not all roses when we were married and I too had my down times but I looked at the greater picture and aiming to move on together.

She said she does not want to scarifies like her mum for the kids and if she feel she is unhappy, she should just walk away. I told her that's her escapist way of handling matter which our counselor also feel so because that is her beliefs in marriage that she experienced from her parents. While for me, I believe in working it through. Then she said well it's too late and her heart has died. Thats why she don't want to hurt herself anymore and she want to be happy. And she cannot imagine how I will be when I receive her letters if I am sad in the way I am now.

I told her I am sad because of the wonderful future I thought we could have together but ain't going to happen. Many great things happened in our marriage as well but it's just unfortunate that they were not remembered and recognized than the other stuffs. But one thing I know is I do not need her to be worried about me because I will be moving on to be a even greater person than I was before and now as I want to set a great example for the kids. She then said that's great. I told her if her opinion is to proceed with the divorce, then when the paper is here I will sign but the kids and I will live great. Then she said that well, She and the kids will be great as well for I am just the primary caregiver of them. She will also be very happy with them.

Then I told her that well, it's just a pity that things has to be in this way. At this point in time, the kids came into the room and mentioned they are hungry and I stop the conversation with her and proceed to cook for them. Later through the day, we carried on our activities with the kids as if nothing happened and also visited my mother at the hospital together and she prepared for my mum a small gift.

I do notice that she seemed slightly lost the whole day after the incident but I do not know if it is due to that she lack sleep or from the outcome of our exchange.

I frankly do not know how I have handle the above situation. It does not hurt me as much as previously probably as I am detaching but I still do feel sad. Recently at times, I thought that she seems to be better and starts making plans to improve things at home, bringing back new cpu for the kids and etc but well it seems the light is still so far away if any. At times, I still hope to treat the part on the processing of divorce paper as 50% truth of what she said and only wait for the real action for it's coming to 3 months and I have not heard anything from the layers. But I have to prepare myself if it really does happen.

Any comments and opinion for me on the above?