Hoosjim's back... and maybe his WW, too (?)

[hoosjim]

Here's a question that's preying... somewhat heavily... on my mind today:

Once you are reconciling with your formerly WAS, or even, for that matter, reconciled, do you need to know whether or not your spouse actually had physical relations with someone else while they were in "walk-away" or "wayward" status? Should you want to know? Or Not? If so, should you ask, point blank? Does it matter?

Okay, so that's actually several questions, but same general issue.

In my case, I was inspired to do some self-reflecting over the weekend, partly as the result of a church service i attended recently and partly as the result of finding, while cleaning out the garage, a stack of my old journals from my early DB-ing days when my W was still very wayward, embroiled in what was at least an EA, and things looked very bleak for my MR. For color, my W is currently travelling out of town for a week and a half with her mother to visit her sister and nephew/godson. (They live in Nevada-- not Vegas--and tickets were expensive and we're cost-cutting so i stayed behind). I was intentionally flipping through the "worst" part of the timeline, trying to re-explore my feelings and how i got through that journey (my faith played a huge role, as you know, as did, i am still convinced, divine intervention both of which also interplayed with me finding these boards and DB-ing books) and, unfortunately, it brought back echoes of the old hurt and pain. Also, looking at it in the clear light of day, with a clear mind (BOY was I a mess back then, definitely less clear of mind), alot of what happened seemed clearer and less foggy in the clear light of hindsight. One thing that really stuck out to me is that I never found out definitively one way or the other if she had sexual relations with OM... even though she definitely had motive and opportunity. That particular detail sort of got glossed over and "washed away" in our ultimate reconcilliation and journey into piecing-- She did write me a couple of very long letters basically taking full responsibility, admitting what she had done, etc., and of course we had multiple therapy sessions where we cleared the air and i insisted on full accountability and the answers to several specific questions about her deceptions, which she uniformly and gladly answered... But i never specifically asked that question, nor did i even imply i wanted an answer to it. Maybe i was afraid of the answer, idk. I think i have said previously in my threads that i have some good reasons (that i wont go into here) to believe she did not have actual intercourse with the man, even during the depths of our ordeal. I also believe, though i am not certain and i did not make not of it in my journal, that at some point in early reconcilliation or as our MC was brokering our getting back together "to talk" that I indicated if she had had intercourse with him that she would need to be tested (particularly given this dirtbag's background)... or maybe MC suggested this, idk... but i think it came up and i think she gave some indication it was nothing to worry about, though my recollection also is that she was far from definitive in terms of "we had no sexual relations of any kind". Further, obviously, there are degrees of "sexual relations" (despite what Bill Clinton avers) that would not raise such testing concerns, and which would also not implicate such. She knows i know they "spent a night together in a hotel" which they did-- unplanned, apparently, after some social event involving her and bff and other friends-- and there may or may not have been others in the hotel room ... but i never got any details from her in response to the revelation from me that i knew, and i did not ask her to provide any, i just threw it out there during one of our early reconcilliation- process discussions when she backpedaled at one point on "how serious" the relationship with him was (Me: "Look I know X,Y, and Z, and I know you spent the night with him in a hotel"). Her only response was not details and not a denial that anything happened but rather "I'm not in love with him and i have no feelings for him and I am not seeing him or in contact or even want to be in contact with him..i want to be with you" (or something to that affect.) And, like I said, i never pushed it. I actually don't even know exactly when/where the night together occurred... There were two or three windows where something like that actually could have happened, and i never insisted on that being something she specifically and in detail come clean on. Not sure why. Maybe i figured she'd lose respect for me if she knew i knew she's slept with another man and i still wanted her back. Maybe because I was afraid it would affect how I felt about her to know for sure... and at that point i was once again interested in reconciling and getting a fresh start.

Problem is.... Now it's eating at me. Yeah, i know i know i shouldn't have gone down that rabbit hole... but now i did and I'm there. Brought up familiar feelings of resentment that i hadn't felt in a long time-- When W and i first met and dated, we split for a while (actually she broke up with me-- first time that had ever happened to me and hurt because she was first girl i ever really fell hard for) and she actually kind of threw me over for another guy who she had a couple of non-date "dates" with before we split. A bit more complicated than that-- she had told me she wasn't ready for a serious relationship, was scared at how close we were getting, and insisted (on and off) that we were "just friends" or "just hanging out". Still, at the time, it blindsed and hurt me (she knew how i felt, was forthcoming about some of her feelings but deceptive about seeing this other guy) and i harbored some resentment towards her for a considerable period--- resentment that very, very very nearly resulted in me having an affair while we were engaged (I came to my senses just in time and didn't go through with it.) At any rate, this latest re-visitation to her WW days and this issue raised some similar feelings... maybe not as strong as I am more confident now in our relationship than i think i have ever been, but it still ate at me enough when i was out with friends this weekend that i was getting borderline resentful again, almost to the point of appreciating the attention of other females a bit too much "Did she really sleep around on me? Seriously?" (And, yes, i am careful here and know how to maintain good boundaries but it was troubling to feel those feelings again.)

Thinking i probably eventually just get over this. Prayer, thankfulness, etc. I am strongly considering pitching the journals in a nod to our fresh start. Not even sure how i would ask her about this at this point, and, again, not sure i want to hear the answer... but at the same time some grimly curious part of me does... even as i know it might not be good to hear. And if i did hear, how would i respond? Could i ever get that image/thought out of my head? Would it lead me down a bad path as it nearly did before? But if i don't know, how long is that doubt going to hide in some dark place in my head gnawing at me and waiting for a moment of weakness to jump out and bite.

Anybody else have any experience with or thoughts on this?

Thanks yall...