Thank you, Sandi. It helps me SO much to see it clearly. And be called out for my own rationalization.
Maybe it is a coping method, IDK. I see LBH's with a WW rationalize why he does whatever the WW says, and I think it's more common for men with NGS who have been bullied or extremely manipulated. I don't know if he recognizes what he's doing at the time. Whenever I read a post from a LBH who is rationalizing why he gave in to whatever his WW said...... it sounds like excuses, to me. However, some guys can get offended and get defensive if they are accused of making excuses. I think you do it, in order to just tolerate living with her. Perhaps unconsciously, it gives you a way out, rather than having to deal with the bigger picture. She is a cat who loves to play with the mouse. Guess who the mouse is? Yep, and that's the bigger picture.
To use the recent posting as an example, I think most men would count it as being petty if they chose to act independent of his WW's "suggestions" (cough-cough). They would probably see the easiest way is simply go along with whatever she says do about dinner, and not make a big deal out of it. I get it. Once is okay. But how many years have you been the mouse she jerks around? "Go fix me something to eat". "No, go get me carryout". "Come by my room, first, and let me decide what I want you to order and pick up for me".
Here's the thing. This time, as well as last year, she announces the MR is over and it's IHS. However, she doesn't want to conduct it like a marriage separation. She wants you to be her buddy, whenever it suits her. If you were physically separated, would you be running around trying to accommodate her when she wants to divorce you!
I suggest you design a plan of action (you don't share with her), and right up close to the top of the list should be....No more accommodating her! She wants a separation, so conduct it as such. Why? B/c you need the space from her so that you can begin to see objectively, and become mentally/emotionally stronger.
Quote
She also texted about several other things and wanted to have chit chat convos............................
She even “scheduled” with me to talk about work stuff when I got back because she couldn’t tell me over the phone and has a lot to say.
Seriously? She really means she wants to have a monologue while you sit there and listen to her gripe & blow off steam about her sister, her co-workers, etc. She doesn't want to hear about your feelings. Remember what I say about how selfish WW's are. This is another way she shows that selfishness. She couldn't give you compassion or moral support at the funeral, but she's telling you what you are going to do before you even get back home.....and it's all about her. My question to you is why does any if this confuse you? I see the same WW that I saw last year.
Quote
W sent a text saying she was washing MY bedding. She also said she laid in the bed one morning.
She's messing with your head. And so far, it seems to be working.
Quote
If there is no A, I feel much more conflicted about responding to her messages and listening to her work talk etc.
What???? So, as long as you have no proof she's doing some guy, you should keep kissing her a$$?
YOU ARE IN-HOUSE SEPARATED! SHE TREATS YOU LIKE CRAP! SHE DOESN'T RESPECT YOU! Any questions?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I think you do it, in order to just tolerate living with her. Perhaps unconsciously, it gives you a way out, rather than having to deal with the bigger picture. She is a cat who loves to play with the mouse. Guess who the mouse is? Yep, and that's the bigger picture. 
She
So, as long as you have no proof she's doing some guy, you should keep kissing her a$$?
