Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

... once things settle down a bit this weekend, you will be able to think clearly and come to realize that if all of this should come to pass, you will finally be free of some of the financial burden you have been dealing with.

I have a question that has been on my mind for quite some time...what is the reason that your h can't work a full time job? Is it a health issue or he just doesn't want to work? If it's because he doesn't want to work, I'm surprised that the court didn't tell him to get a full time job. As for the child support, I'm absolutely shocked that the court didn't opt to have it taken from the support money that you are paying him.

Hi, Job and Grace and DnJ -- I don't want to get into all the nitty gritty of the details of my two places, but they are what enable me to work less so that I can attend to the special needs of my kids and continue one of my jobs that requires a lot of auditioning. Where we live is a very expensive city and I will not be able to avoid a full-time job if I am no longer living rent-free because what I will walk away with after debts and the massive taxes and fees are paid is not enough to buy even a two-bedroom apartment. Right now we live in a modest shabby leaky but extremely homey and bright and charming three-bedroom at the top of the place and pay the mortgage with the rentals of the two other units. The financial burden has been having a husband who won't work or give us anything or help me with anything so that we could keep the place. The rentals pay for the mortgage and my work pays for me and the kids to live (albeit simply), but they don't pay for all our debts and for the endless outlay of his rent and whatever else he is spending this money on. But if I buy him out, I am only paying out his share without having to at the same time pay so much out in taxes/fees. I can continue to pay down our debt over the next two years and then I would still have this wonderful place to live that allows me to be there so much for my kids. H even put in the custody agreement that I am not allowed to move more than five miles from here even if we sell the house!!!! Five miles in a major city is a lot, and each neighborhood is very different. I am so at home here, have lived in this neighborhood since 1995 and I love it so much and know everyone and so do my kids. But I wouldn't be able to afford it if I sell. I know that there is a freedom that will be great for me but I also know why I have been trying to work out a reasonable deal. I saw at court on Friday that, as you say, Job, he is not going to be happy until he strips me of everything. It is very strange because he was not this bad until he went for divorce. He was angry but he didn't seem so h3ll bent on destroying me.

As for your question about job and child support -- this is my question too. My L kept saying, "They can't force him to get a job," and that if we went to trial, the next judge could likely force the sale without me having the right of first refusal if I can effect a buy-out, he was saying that that was what he was getting for me. This court seems obsessed with protecting his right to the "asset" with no connection to his deadbeat ways in everything else. The current deal very literally shows that he is taking child support out of the children's home but no cares because hs payments are being put as a credit on the eventual buyout and he doesn't have to actually write a check til he gets the money. And the amount per month is a joke, it's based on a salary of 25K a year, but he will get a huge sum of money if we sell. The court does not care, their mandate is to protect the asset and they never ask about the children. My ability to keep things afloat on fumes has worked against me, they think I am hiding money and aren't willing to look at any specifics without a trial. With another judge, it would almost definitely be different. And I was ready to go to trial because I didn't think it was enough and I think that a new judge (our judge, who is known as the worst and laziest in the system and who rarely even hears the conferences, would not be hearing the case) would take into account the story and his total deadbeat behavior. The whole reason I didn't want to go to trial was because of the threat of H moving back in.

DnJ, you are right, the feelings are terrible and have not withered yet. I am swimming into the unfairness and betrayal daily. I wonder a lot about how this OW could be with someone who is that evil. No matter who you are, how could you be with someone who treated the mother of his children this way? It would be one thing if I was on the offensive and doing vicious things, but really I didn't do anything except keep standing for the marriage, taking care of the kids and yes, slowly protecting not even our finances but just his ability to sink us into further debt. Slowly he became convinced of this insane narrative about the house and income and it just exploded into this insane divorce proceeding where he became so openly evil.

Even if I said, "yes, let's sell tomorrow," so I could be done with him, he wants to play the market until June. There is no way out for me until then.

So I have to make peace with another seven months of waiting and wading through this h3ll.

All I can do is block him wherever I can but I will have to deal constantly with the drama of the broker and anything about visitation.

I am wondering now if I should fire my L. I feel like I could have gotten the same deal by myself.

Now I only want to settle what the debt total is. My L was saying they are going to try to get out of paying the marital debt, which is massive, and I just don't think he is ready to fight. It's just what is on paper, it is easy to prove, and should not be negotiable. I don't want to start over with someone else, but it's just too much money to accept anything less and almost all of it was not debt I caused, rather it was me who has all this time worked to slowly chip away at it while H did nothing. Most of that debt is from opening our last biz, and a lot is from when I was sick and couldn't work much and had to pay for everything on cc's because H wasn't functioning at the biz anymore and never thought to work an extra job because of his endless dissertation. And now I know, because of his affair consuming all him time.

I am trying not to lie in a ball but I am falling way behind in work because I am so sad. I feel like I wake up every morning as we all did after BD, thinking, "No, this can't be real." But I am trying to keep things going -- last night had friends over to carve pumpkins, today having a bunch of ladies over for a clothing swap. In between I feel like I am dying and I went back to the MLC diet. Maybe that's all we can expect in these moments, to keep going through the pain.