Starting the process

[unchien]

Fade - I just want to say up front your post really resonated with me. Thank you for spending the time and energy to offer advice and support. I always read the responses quickly, but my work and kid schedules have become very busy and I often take a few days to respond.

What you need to understand is that what she feels or she believes is no longer your concern unless she has some proof or evidence that you are an abuser. If you are being honest here, then you are not and she will have no such evidence.

I wrote 3 apology letters back in April trying to win her back. You’ve seen the same script here on the forums before... I was overly apologetic and admitted that the one time I grabbed my son’s leg and didn’t hurt him or leave a mark that it was “abusive.” It is what it is. I will gladly face it in court if I have to.

And you should by now have plenty of evidence of you being a stable, good parent as you are already at 4/10 spending plenty of alone time with your kids, and hopefully you are meticulously documenting daily interactions and activities in a parenting journal.

I have journaled on and off. Thank you for reminded me to be more diligent. I take tons of pictures with the kids when I am with them as well.

I agree with your point that my solid time (even in a reduced 4/10 schedule) proves my worth as parent.

And say you were really abusive - does it really make sense that she decides to wait a year to bring it up to the police when mediation isn't going her way? After you have been spending days at a time watching them in the mutually agreed separation? Do you think the cops are going to trip over themselves to come arrest you on your way out of the mediators office? Again, this is nothing but bully tactics and you simply need to stop feeding this narrative. I have seen situations with genuinely abusive POS guys and I can tell you they arent spending any time worrying about whether women think they are abusive, and these women -who are actual victims- certainly aren't spending their time henpecking these guys in a counselors office.

Agreed - it took me a long time to feel confident in believing what you just wrote, but it is absolutely true.

She might as well be saying you cant have an increase in custody because the sky is green. Are you going to spin around in circles because maybe one time a year ago the sky could have been interpreted as green? Do you think you need to convince her that the sky is not green so that you can have fair time with your kids? No, you would dismiss it and get back to business. "The sky is not green, I repeat my proposal for Friday afternoon dropoffs". Or, you can say "I have never abused my children, I repeat my proposal for Friday afternoon drop-offs".

This is where I need to stick to my points. She will ask for reasons, argue that it doesn’t work logistically, blah blah blah.

So let her raise this all she wants in mediation, and in court if it comes to that. If there is zero evidence of abuse, and plenty of evidence (especially in your journal) that you are and have been an awesome dad through a difficult time, who has already demonstrated a track record of keeping great care of his kids so far during the separation, then these allegations will only hurt herself.

I know it’s going to be rough. And my instincts are to make things pleasant by caving in. I can’t allow that to happen.

Oh, and another thing. I would suggest you go to mediation with the mindset that you will not reach an agreement. The only way you are going to get an agreement is if she gets a lawyer who scares her straight, or you fold. Your only goal in mediation is not to fold - to not go past the midpoint of what your lawyer says is the customary, fair outcome in your area. For you, walking out of mediation empty handed is a win. You only lose if you walk out with empty pockets and child seats.

I like this. My W told me recently she would only accept 50/50 long-term if I allowed her to pick up the kids after school on my days if I was still at work. I haven’t decided what I would say in this case, but for awhile my mindset was “WOW! I can get 50/50 if I just give her that!” In this instance, she has been very intrusive during my parenting time and my kids sometimes say things that concern me, so I’m not sure I would agree to this in writing. If I’m not sure, then I shouldn’t offer it up front.

I know what’s fair and customary. 50/50. 3 years spousal, imputed income. I will gladly help her get on her feet in her private practice if that’s what she wants to do. She did stop working 2 years ago when we moved here, so I am flexible on some of the financial matters.

As far as what she will ask... I’m expecting anything. Sometimes she says things like “the kids are used to going to visit my friends K, L and M in cities X, Y, and Z every 2 years” and I think, “Yes that was a nice perk of married life.”