Thank you, Sandi. It helps me SO much to see it clearly. And be called out for my own rationalization. I knew I was weak that day and did an especially poor job. You talk a lot about how she wears me down and even though I stood strong the day prior, I still felt those effects. I think I can get better at this. I feel myself growing and becoming stronger, and better at seeing everything clearly for what it is.
The memorial service was really nice and as expected very hard. I did not expect to feel emotional about W not being there with me. But that was actually one of the hardest parts. Hearing stories about my grandfather, some I had never heard, remembering where I come from and not having W there to share it with. And support me. She did send a message saying she was thinking of me and my family and if I needed to talk, she was there. So frustrating. How many times she has said she is there, and then apologized for not being there, because she knows she isn’t. She also texted about several other things and wanted to have chit chat convos. I have to not even think about any of this because I will always reach the same confusing place of failing to understand why she wants me gone, to stay here with my family, and I go for only two days and she can’t keep away.
I am on way back home now. Much smoother travel experience so far, thankfully. W sent a text saying she was washing MY bedding. She also said she laid in the bed one morning. I feel pretty confident nothing fishy happened while I was away. She was on the group chat we have for gaming with all our friends and seemed to be doing that most of the weekend. If there is no A, I feel much more conflicted about responding to her messages and listening to her work talk etc. She even “scheduled” with me to talk about work stuff when I got back because she couldn’t tell me over the phone and has a lot to say. My main focus is avoiding being manipulated.
