[Adam04]

Hi Cali,

I was going to comment to the specific question you had on how to begin piecing or to slow down. I had read your story a while back and just now reread it along with other posters’ responses.

I’m no vet. Far from a model DB’er. I think my position is of being an average, every day joe who also went down this road before. I too wondered what it would look like to be piecing. I remember coming across a post from Sandi, Blu, and joe talking about the basics and starting points of what was needed to begin piecing. At that time I didn’t think I would be piecing so I didn’t press on going through the whole list and putting it to memory but it’s here somewhere if you want to see where you line up. I went to dig a little and found under the Piecing section of the forum Steve85’s piecing thread and there is a list in RR7’s reply. One thing I believe Many posters here feel is that piecing, or successsful piecing, starts when the AP is out of the picture. Then there has to be a willingness and remorse or how else would the other person be committed. They’d need to do things that satisfies most basic requirements to piecing.

For me, my W never admitted to having an Affair but I got enough to assume the worst and I chose to move forward with her and had to decide on what forgiveness meant to me. I know my wife will never be 100% honest with me and that was a cold truth I had to come to terms with. Does that mean it was enough to quit or give up and start fresh with someone else, I am also going to see an IC about my conflicting feelings to get help for that. Ultimately it would be great if she and I got the help we need and then tackle MC together. So my heart goes out to you, I hope you find the answers you need to move forward in life, together or not.

It’s tricky because while we want to hold their feet to the fire as ppl say here, we also want to keep the road home paved smooth and not scare them off. All while keeping our boundaries and sense of self worth while what they are doing to us is so damaging in all aspects of our lives, to the way we see ourselves, them, other people. It affects the way we function, from basics like eating to waking up and sleeping. The list can go on and on...

We all have these gut feelings telling us when things aren’t right or we see there are red flags. The way your H is responding right now sounds like the effects of the distance / pursuit game. You’re now the prize because you know your worth ( but you’re still confused and rightfully so because it takes a lot of time to see things clearly) and this drives him crazy. He’s intrigued. As a man, he doesn’t want another man to be in your life so he will try to win you back to keep you. That doesn’t necessarily mean however that he’s learned from all his mistakes or that he will correct all his wrongdoings going forward. I’m not saying it can’t happen but considering the short amount of time of your sitch and how he is chasing you, I just have a hunch that he could be playing games to keep you close without doing real work to change his free spirited mentality.

I’m not trying to sound mean or unhopeful. In my sitch, I was always hopeful, upbeat, pleasant and still loving life while facing a very real and possible Divorce but I dropped the fear pretty early, I think for me because of many factors (how I was raised, religion biggest one[this world we live in is temporary , all of it, our time with one another])and I grew up in some of the worst places, homeless with a mother who was a Vietnam refugee, many times no food or running water. I had hope, still do. There were rough times though. Guess what I am trying to get at is just take caution, be patient, let him do the work. Continue to ask questions and get the help.

Don’t rush the process and be wary of having too much expectations. I hope you read Steve85’s piecing thread entirety. I don’t post often much anymore but I do read and I find help in many ppl’s posts.

I hope you understand where I am coming from with your H behavior and not give in too early or easily without fully knowing everything there is to know.

I want to comment on a couple things too. Prior to him getting back into your life, you started enjoying GAL and now it seems you are doubting your GAL... because you have to consider his feelings? This is not true. You can both GAL and live together harmoniously with respect and love for one another. Be careful of manipulation here from him. You say there is no R talk but there is commitment. To some degree I would think those two things coincide.

Does he agree to full transparency? Is he willing to stop some of the behavior you had issues with. I’m past 1 year from BD and my W and I have been trying to make this work but it’s a slow pace where I sometimes question if I still want in or if I can ever trust her again. She is in IC and I will start soon. I hope we are where we are in our current timeline for the right reasons and it’s not forced. I hope for both your sakes it’s the same for you.

When I first came here clueless to all of it, I was looking for the magic bullet to save my marriage. I was watching all sorts of videos of how to win spouse back, do x z y. I picked up on other books that went against this counter -intuitive process of DB, to stop the pursuit or trying to reason with someone who wants out. My feelings were no more important than hers. I bought into DB and stopped So DB helped me find my old self again and shift my focus. You should never stop focusing on yourself.

I don’t want to sound like a Debbie Downer but I think when you say you are having a hard time getting back to normalcy, you are trying to overlook the red flags and his past behavior because you want things to go back to normal. You have righ to have those feelings and it’ll have to be new normal hopefully with a lot of positive changes on both your parts. I also question when he is now with you that your stance has suddenly changed from happy independent to now being mindful of his opinions. Is there anything he has said to control you or the sitch? Not saying he is but it can be typical behavior to consider in these cases.

You’re doing great. Continue your GAL And patient and see how much of this is about the MR and your H finding his way home.