Everyone always says that once you are truely piecing, it is not easy, even tho all of us who want to be there think it has to be easier than where we are now... I think I am beginning to understand.
H has gone from getting ready to file & saying he has no feelings for me or interest in me to talking about how we can make this M work. He was being a d*ck a couple times (his words) when I saw him this week & then each time he called & apologized. On Wednesday, we had a nice conversation at work & he made a comment about someone wanting to date him (an ex GF) & how he has no feelings for her anymore & that he is married. I said well you said you don't have feelings for me either so I wouldn't think being married would be a problem. He started walking w/ me & put his arm around me & said he does have feelings for me but he just says he doesn't to make me mad.
He called me later at work & asked if I would want to go camping w/ him over the weekend. I said I would & he was going to come over that night to get some stuff together so we could leave after work the next day. When he came over, we decided to plan on another weekend since it was supposed to rain & he was going to have to work.
He was really sweet, like when I 1st met him. He hung out for a few hours & we talked about getting together anyway on Saturday night. He also asked me to go to a family reunion w/ him Sunday (today) I gave him a backrub & we ended up ML - that was very sweet & nice too- different somehow. He was really lovery dovey & he started talking about that he needs counseling to deal w/ why he is so determined to screw up his marriage when he loves me, etc. I talked about my mistakes too.
Saturday he was supposed to come over in the evening to do something. He ended up here later cuz he fell asleep & we stopped at his parents. He then just said he would drop me off. I was upset, since we didn't really spend much time together & he had planned to stay over but then wanted to leave, but trying not to show it. He came in & we talked & he said he would stay but after about 10 minutes said he wanted to go back to his place - he wanted to sleep in his bed. (I still dont understand how it is more comfortable than what had been his home , but said okay.) He said that he wants us to take this slow. He is afraid we will stop being nice to each other again & fall back in to the same habits. He said that he doesn't think we should just fall back in to being together everyday, him staying over all the time & then move back in before we are ready. He said he thinks we both have somw growing to do. He doesn't want either of us to get hurt again so he doesn't want to push things too fast. He actually sounded logical & mature - who is this strange person !
Today we went to the reunion. Didn't really get to talk much alone or anything. At one point when we did talk, I said "While we are working on things & seeing what happens" (I was going to ask if he was going to see other people but never got to finish the question)... He said "Now wait, we aren't just seeing what happens, we are just trying to work thru issues as they come up & learning how to communicate better".
He seems to be taking a diffrent approach this time - like he actually wants it to work. My problem is that I start having expectations too soon again. Like last night, I can't understand why he wouldn't want to stay w/ me - I take it as something is wrong instead of that he still needs some space.
When he left his parents after we got back from the reunion, he was really short w/ me like he was mad. I asked what he was gong to do now & he said "I'm leaving". I said I know but wondered what he was going to do (did he want to come over, etc). He was just kind of rude all of a sudden. I think it might have to do w/ the fact that he is mad at his sister & had things on his mind about that but I still get frustrated when he seems to take it out on me or gets moody. I don't know how to stop feeling so paranoid & worried about everything I say & do. Walking on eggshells sometimes.
I know there are alot of positives here. I just need to still detach some & not get all wrapped up in him again like I was starting to do. I tell myself that I should be happy that we are where we are now, considering he was insisting on divorce 2 weeks ago but I get anxious & want it to go back to "normal" quickly.
I think I am beginning to understand.
- that was very sweet & nice too- different somehow. He was really lovery dovey & he started talking about that he needs counseling to deal w/ why he is so determined to screw up his marriage when he loves me, etc. I talked about my mistakes too. 
