Finding the Balance then Tipping the Scale (4)

[Adam04]

Update.

Wanted to first say I spoke to a therapist and have my first session in a week. Gave her the run down of what’s happened in the last two years and she added that from my 25 years with W and this being our first reaching out for help that it was time. She said we had a good run but she is confident there are more years worth of digging into to get to addressing underlying issues. She is confident she has the tools to help me. One of the reasons why I chose her was that she had gottman listed and she had to tell me she wasn’t technically certified in the program. This was a bummer but I told her I would give it a few sessions to see if we gelled and then go from there. She sounded hopeful due to the support I had been getting here over the year. We discussed my anger, my wanting to be better for myself no matter how this goes down. She also shared a good interest in me as the man leading and being the example for my two boys. Although I initially thought the better approach was to go into couples therapy to find better ways to communicate and find tools to help our marriage, I see that I am not always right and maybe I was coming from a place of having expectations and this is in some way a form of control. While couples therapy is on the table, I know I have much work to do and I feel now during my state of confusion, it’s time. It’s ironic that I remember some nights at the apartment, I had sound sleep. No issues sleeping. Then some nights here next to W I have problems sleeping like things are on my mind. I remember times when we both were unhappy and stuck. This reminds me of that. This time around we’re taking baby steps to try and get unstuck.

I tried to type this out yesterday before work but I didn’t have enough time. I think about things and have those moments of clarity and feel like they’d be great things to share and then life jumps in the way and those moments are gone. There was so much more I wanted to say but it’s been over the course of 3 days when I started this during some of my free time to now. To think months ago it felt like I had all the free time in the world. This is one important thing I would stress is to use your time wisely. Last year my kids were in a district with no homework and I had time after work. This year it’s homework, school events, private lessons, church school, etc. Then Gal comes in different forms. I split my time between wife and kids and make an effort to make time for myself, whether it’s out driving around checking out new places around here to being alone. My GAL really is being a big part of my boys lives right now.

I chose a female therapist to purposefully get help from someone who can also help me see things from a woman’s perspective.

W and I are back on the upswing, and she has started to say I love you again as we had been getting back to being intimate on a more frequent basis. I noticed two times not too long ago when she flared up over something trivial I kept my cool. She later corrected herself. Example was parking. She got riled up about me not finding a closer spot to the store when there were no empty parking spots so I found one aways and parked there. It was a small walk to the store, we got our items and went back the car. She later admitted the spot wasn’t far and had this sheepish look. I didn’t add any praise, insult, or recognition to it.

I felt like something changed from a few weeks ago, I’m a little bit more in control and it’s because I started to journal to let out my feelings and not express them to my W. It’s been helping us tremendously. I still debate whether I want to spill my guts to my W and how important that is while knowing that I can learn how to better go about it. Like there’s a right way and wrong way or better ways to express myself and sometimes things that I should let rest for both our sake. It goes back to being centered and the emotional control. Definitely will work on this through IC.

My best buddy from childhood lives a lot closer to me, about 15 minutes drive so I visit him more often. It’s good to chop it up with him and the other men from his neighborhood. They all congregate to his house because he likes to host and throw parties. Really likeable guy.

Always, thank you for the support here. Will try to keep updating when I have time.