Divorce because I betrayed her trust - THREAD 4

[DaB35]

Thanks Crdcheck - appreciate it.

I think another problem is that she reacted dramatically - she rang lots of people (friends/family), disclosed everything to several of them. Even her sister's in-laws have a gist of what I did! As I said in a previous post, I wish she just told my parents, my best mate and my sister. Then we could have talked together in private, and who knows, may have sorted everything out without everybody knowing our business. My mum is upset she's "aired her laundry in public" (although she's of an older generation being 73 soon, but I do agree!).

I felt embarrassed to be vulnerable with her. I guess in past relationships I never opened up at all. Mainly because these were long distance, which is something my W never grasps - she says I my being with an ex for 8 months is "a serious relationship", but she would always forget that I was at Uni 200 miles away and she was at college, and we only saw each other once every 3 or 4 weeks and during the holidays! I'm impressed we made it to 8 months really. But, I didn't want to argue, so I just 'took it' and didn't argue my case.

One issue may be that my dad is extremely introverted. His dad died when he was very young (about 6 I think), so he didn't have a male role model growing up in the 50s/60s. As a consequence he will quite happily not say a word to anyone else in the house for hours. I try engaging him in conversation but it's hard sometimes. I've therefore picked up on that. He also does not argue/discuss/answer back with my mum if she picks him up on things. I'm not as bad as he is in general, but certainly in relationships I am the same. I've noticed he just goes upstairs to watch the TV he wants to watch whilst my mum is left downstairs (my W and I would 'schedule' a time to stop work and watch something together instead).

As I'm living at home, I now join mum in the evening - I only revealed I noticed this in our group IC as I hadn't assumed it was going on the entire time I've lived away from home (7 years). My mum was really thankful that I come down and watch TV with her. We go for walks sometimes now too - she can't walk far but she likes getting out the house.

I was afraid W would not empathise (or validate) with me if I was openly vulnerable to her. I don't know why I was afraid, just used to it; my dad to this day has not even asked me if I'm ok amidst all this. I found someone special and I should have realised I could have been open with her, but wasn't. I was stressed about my exams for example. She would pressure me slightly by saying "Come on, when are you going to pass all these exams and start earning big money so I can be a lady of leisure and work part-time?" She did say it tongue-in-cheek and in jest, but I took it really to heart and felt like a failure when I tried to rush 2 exams to please her in a couple of months and - guess what- failed both. Then retreated into the online activities etc. as escapism. But I never told her she upset me about that.

I had not previously looked at it the way you have - that W has turned her back on me when I needed her. You are right in that I have admitted my mistakes, and atoned for them, sought professional help, and doing everything to better myself. She just doesn't want to know. She just keeps throwing back at me "You took wedding vows KNOWING what you were doing. It wasn't a clean slate. The marriage was null and void from the start." I acknowledge I kept it from her, but I was too proud to get help or speak out and be vulnerable.

Thanks for saying I've been doing well. It has been a massive learning curve and I feel like I have improved as a person in leaps and bounds, even in just 5 months. I've really taken it seriously.

I have to feel what I feel and accept it. Sometimes I'll have some down time. Then it means the positive times (GAL etc) should be greater than the down time. Means more gym time, more walking, more comedy, more going out.