Thank you all for the helpful comments and information. I'm preparing to move forward without her, and at the same convinced she will not realize what she's throwing away until it is gone. Whether she decides to change course at some point is up to her. I am going down my own path.
Came home from work and was expecting to talk finances etc, which W had suggested Tuesday. Came in, W filled me on her time with S11, what they did tonight etc. Asked about my upcoming Lasik procedure tomorrow. Gave here the gist of that. Question: For someone who claims a D is the key to her happiness, why would she not engage in the finance conversation? I was willing, but truthfully a bit tired, so I didn’t push it.
I would not try to read to much into anything she says yes it can be confusing because we are looking for any validation to make sense of their actions
I would watch her actions as you continue to do your life be there for the kids, help her if she asks and start creating new activities and friends for you
If she has a change of heart, you will see it she may want to keep you as plan B, so her niceness may just keep you dragged in for a time
The Mlcer usually does not jump into D quickly...some drag their feet
Now that she finally got everyone to AGREE with her choice of D.. maybe she is wanting to go slow and make sure
They will display a lot of touch and goes come closer and move away
It is crazy making behavior for the LBS
After all they are giving up a secure M, finances home, family on a maybe, questionable new person and new life and usually as you have read their new life quickly turns sour
But it takes time..they cant see it yet its almost t like they have to experience it and maybe some of them call it in because their childhood trauma will not allow them to work things out They have to relive the teen years-
DB suggests dont push for D, give them space and time to figure it out, but I also see the value of letting them see what their doing..Im not sure if either way really works
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
NC with W for more than 24 hours, until she just texted a little while ago asking how my eyes were recovering from Lasik surgery and asking me to say hi and to tell S11 that she misses and loves him. I’m beyond analyzing every interaction with her, but this is one of the few times since separation that she’s said these types of things about S11. Any thoughts or opinions on this?
She probably is wondering how you’re recovery and probably does miss your son at the moment. It doesn’t change anything. I wouldn’t respond at all or a simple “eyes are good thanks”.
Hope you are feeling good and your eyes are healing
Sometimes they get moments also of clarity and normal ness
Im sure she still loves you and if she is showing up as normal by missing her son and wishing you well after surgery that is a plus...for the co-parenting life
anything we can do especially for the kids to keep things peaceful with the MLCer is good Only time will tell- really it is time to see her choices, her direction and how she shoes up for the kids
I like the strategy of being kind and cordial...setting boundaries when needed and being present especially for myself, my healing and letting them go but doing it lovingly you will know so much more in like 6 months -1 year if you can be patient..go to individual counseling, heal and grieve...the benefit you will get will be enormous and 1 year is not a long time--by then you will be able to see things clearly also and make better choices for you-and your son-
working on creating a new life..grieving the old M and seeing where she goes not being super available but reachable at times
unfortunately, there is no easy way to make them see the light or want to work on the relationship but if they can still show up as a good parent and kind person...that is a great thing
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Nothing material to update on, but could use some advice, especially from the long-timer pros.
Latest is that we agreed to D, and then to discuss finances. Had that set up for earlier this week, but W decided to not bring it up when I got home. I am really focused on GALing, 180s, spending time with S11 and lovingly detaching. But longer term, I am stuck between letting her go to get her back (pushing the D), and being cordial/friendly and allowing her to cake eat. I just think she is too comfortable right now with both of her sitches (we are separated). Thoughts?
Unless you are in a hurry for the divorce, I would let it ride for a while. They do tend to avoid discussing divorce and finances once a divorce decision has been put on the table.
If you are truly done w/her and the marriage, then go for it, but I don't think you are. Let things settle for a bit and see if you feel the same in a couple of weeks.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Did the usual with S11 for Halloween. Weather wasn’t great, but he had fun. W and I hung at out friend’s home for a few hours while he went out in the neighborhood. While she kept some distance, she did make some small talk and bring up extended family members’ posts of their costumes, etc on social media. Also, at one point she showed me a picture of a cat her friend posted on her FB wall that reminded her of her cat when she was in her teen years. Then proceeded to say unsolicited that her “mean neighbor” killed the cat and that she misses it very much. I just listened and validated (“that must be a terrible thing to experience. I’m sorry” as best I could.)
