I wish I didn't have to be here to tell my story. I wish I wasn't living in this nightmare, but here goes. I know that often times people think their stories are different, but I've been looking on this site and can't find anything like mine.
Some background.
Me-36, W-37, S-6, D-4. M-7, T-12. Pretty typical suburban life. I am the main breadwinner in the family, I have an okay job, but we do struggle financially at times (who doesn't these days). My wife has made some small comments about not being able to afford nice things, but I think she understands.
We made a sacrifice by having her be a SAHM when our oldest was born. I work pretty regular hours with some longer nights. In January of this year, she made a comment about wishing she could take some time off from being a mom. She said she felt like she's been on call for the past 6 years.
I was confused by this comment. We do try to split up the chores fairly evenly. I cook most every night, I do the grocery shopping, we both help with school stuff for the oldest and play with them. I do all the laundry except hers and she cleans and also mows the lawn. She said it helps her relax so I don't mind.
In June of this this year, I notice that she started acting a bit strange. She started taking better care of herself. She'd dress better when I went to work. Not like anything stunning but more than sweatpants. she was grooming herself different and she suddenly had some new lingerie. I asked about them because I kept track of the bills and it was kinda strange. She said she got them from a female neighbor who bought them and then decided the didn't want them. So she gave them to my W. It kinda raised my suspicions.
My wife is kind of anti-technology. She doesn't have a FB account, or twitter or Instagram or any of those things. She does have a smart phone that she uses to browse the internet, watch movies or make calls. I also didn't notice any unusual texting or new phone numbers patterns on the bill. She texts/calls her mom, her sister and me. That's it.
We also only have 1 car to save money. But I work close and she drops me off if she needs it for the day. It works well. In the evenings she mostly stays home. She might borrow the car to go to her moms or sisters or friends, but that is like 1-2 nights a month. That hasn't changed at all.
But she would also make vague comments like, "I don't know how you seem me as attractive" " "My life is no fun" 'I remember being single and it was fun" I'd try to reassure here and point out the good things in her life.
Or she'd make jokes like "How long do you think this marriage will last?" or "do you ever wish your married someone else," or point to my stomach and ask when my baby was due. It was good fun.
But again this was new. She was also a bit more distant. and spent time alone in our room in the evenings.
In early Sept, I found something that totally shocked me to the core. I don't know how to describe it but I saw that she had signed up for a popular message board system (with a color) in the name. I don't want to say what it is.I asked to use her phone because mine was dead. She gave it me without thinking and then went to bed. I went to check the weather, but I also looked a the web browser. She had forgotten to sign out of this message board. I clicked on her profile I saw that she had a number of posts on the site. Nearly all were during the day when I wasn't at home. It was sickening. She was posting photos of herself in the lingerie on certain sub threads that had themes like 'hot mamas" or "bored wifes." She posted about 10 or so photos of herself (thankfully she didn't post her face) But she was getting a lot of feedback and interacting with the people - mostly men. She told them she was in an open marriage - she's definitely not and was very flirty and playful with the people.
So I looked at the private messages and she had a lot of them from creepy guys saying disgusting things. thankfully she didn't respond to any of them.
still I was crushed. I was tempted to wake her up and throw her out of the house that night, but I didn't.
I slept on the couch because I was so upset. The next day she asked if something was wrong. I lied and said my back hurt and went to work.
When I got home she said she needed to talk. First, she asked if I had looked on her phone. I lied and said that I looked at the weather. I think that she thinks I looked at the site but never admitted anything during the talk. Then she said she was concerned about our future. Things had gotten bored and she felt like her true self was being inhibited. She said that she enjoyed having the bed to herself the night before. But felt bad about.
She said she felt like my sister and not lover. Said I never looked at her "with fire" anymore. She wanted to feel desired and she couldn't see me being that person.
I asked if there was someone else (I didn't mention the photos). She laughed in my face. Because she and said "How would I meet someone, I'm in the house all the time with a 4 year old?"
I asked if she wanted a divorce. She didn't say no or didnt' say yes. She just looked down at her feet. So I dropped it.
Since then it's been rough. We seem to be drifting apart. I'm proceeding as if she wants to get divorced and pursue the singe life. She has kept posting photos on the site. She's progressed to topless photos but nothing more. And she is still getting message from these guys.
It's hard seeing my beautiful do something so gross. At times, I don't even want her to touch me....other times I need the contract. Sex has been gone since Oct. But my wife has asked about it. I just say, "not a good idea because of what's going on"
I could use some help to save my marriage. Can it be saved? I dont' want a divorce with two small kids.
I want to talk to her about the photos and our marriage, but don't know where to start. Any ideas?
Welcome to the board, and I am sorry you are in the sitch you are in. Your sitch reminds me a bit of mine. You can read my sitch starting here:
Cliff notes: My W started acting strange as well. Found out she was in an online EA with a much younger guy. Complete with nude photos exchanged (and she even included her face). She was sure she wanted a D. We have been in reconciliation for about a year and a half. So is there hope? Of course there is.
First, read all of Cadet's links. They are invaluable. Pay particular attention to sandi's rules. As Cadet says, get the DB or DR book and read it. Cover to cover. While you are reading it, remember everything you read here from Cadet's post.
#1 thing you need to do. GAL. Start engaging in GAL activities. Like a madman! Every minute you are not spending with your kids, you are busy. With small kids it might be a little tough, but try to get out at least a couple of nights a week. Based on her "when is the baby due" maybe a gym membership? Start eating healthier? Can't hurt to get into better shape.
#2 180 on any bad behavior. You don't sound anywhere near as bad as I was, but we can all improve. Identify ways you can be a better husband and father, and start implementing those.
#3 As cadet said, detach. Read his link on loving detachment. Keep studying the subject until you understand it, then practice working on it until you master it. You can google "self-differentiation in marriage" for another perspective on the dynamic.
Iowa, become the best Iowa that you can be! Make it so that she would be a fool to leave you. Become a man only a fool would leave!
You got this.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
