Today is just a journal day. As I said, yesterday was really rough. I wrote my last post just before W came home. I think the fact that the previous convo affected me so much even 24 hours later shows I still have a long way to go with detachment. Even though she wasn’t able to bend me at the time, I was still fighting feeling bendy a day later. As you could see with my frantic thoughts about leaving and giving her what she wants. I also had the extra weight of my own personal stuff, namely this funeral and the travel. But back to that I’m a minute.
When W came home yesterday she went wordlessly into her room and locked the door. The bendiness intensified. I tried to ignore/fight it. After about an hour, I succumbed to the first of any lapses in what I would deem pursuit. Don’t worry, it is very minor. I have been having an issue getting a dentist appointment because W is my sponsor and I need her defense login to find a provider. So I chose this as my excuse to make contact. I knocked on the door and asked if I could come in. She said no, what do I want. I said I needed help with the login. She was extremely grouchy and I thought for a minute that she just wasn’t going to answer and I would have to walk away. Turns out she was looking it up I guess and did give me the info. I said thank you and turned to leave (remember this conversation is through a closed door). Then she asked what I was having for dinner. Still using her best “I hate you” voice. I told her I was having leftovers. She said IF I made her some (not a direct request), could I leave it outside the door. I immediately said absolutely not, if she wants me to serve her dinner, she has to at least say thank you to my face. I know, I shouldn’t be serving her dinner at all but at this point it was a silly game about the closed door and I forced her to give in. She agreed.
I went back upstairs to heat the leftovers and she then texted what about xx or XX? (Options for take out). My anxiety was so high yesterday I had trouble eating much and I thought this sounded good. So I chose one (skipped the indecisive crap) and said I would go, tell me her order. She said we should order online and I should come look at the menu with her. So I went back down, the door is now open, and went into the room where she was laying in the bed, in only underwear. Similar to the music bath episode from the other day, I was then very close and looking at her phone with her. Some messages came in from her mom and the coworker I originally thought could be OM (more on this in a minute). She again did not seem concerned about any messages I might see. So we made our order and off I went to pick it up (I know I know, I said I cracked a little didn’t I?). At that point she was still in little kid tantrum mode, trying to be mad and grumpy. When I got back, the mood was gone, she had gotten dressed and moved into the living room downstairs and was playing video games with previously mentioned coworker.
I will take my aside to discuss the coworker...if you read the post where I was confused about who this person was, it is because typically I only hear her coworkers by last name (military). This one has an extremely common first name that could be either gender. It has all become clear since that this is the girl that sped in and picked her up that day she went to the bar. Seems she is getting pretty chummy with this girl, who surprise surprise just got divorced. Fantastic. I now suspect this is where she is getting her D info from, I don’t even think she has actually done online research regarding military pay support/alimony etc. It seems the little texting I have seen is largely with this girl.
Back to the story, she was on the game chat playing with her and I brought the food in. She said thank you and I immediately went upstairs to eat. Last time I hung around down there, when she first got back, was when she moved into the guest room due to my encroachment
