Stand firm! Don't give into to him. Let him do the d work.
In the 19 months I was separated from h I had to hear him say it was over repeatedly. And like you I became discouraged but as soon as I quit h cold turkey he came back around, back around until finally Memorial Day weekend we moved back into together!
Don't believe his craziness. My h had a major blow out like that about 2 weeks before our first court appearance. He said I was going to get exactly what I asked for a big fat d! Said he couldn't go back to someone that was a liar, conniving, etc and though he had feelings for me he couldn't be with me. Then he went totally dark until I saw him at court. I was surprised when he agreed to a 45 day continuance!!! We went to counseling then he wanted to go through with the d AGAIN! So a week before our final appearance I dismissed. That's when he blew a gasket! Said he was getting his own attorney, taking the kids from me, taking my money, the house, EVERYTHING....I calmly said fine do what you think is best for the family. He hung up on me.
4 days later he calls me, invites me to dinner says the d is not what he wants, he's not filing...and we've been on since February 04!
So don't give into your h's craziness right now. He's confused hurt, like a crazed animal biting the hands that could help him. Remain calm.
I would suggest identifying the circular patterns in your conversations with him. Id the trigger that spirals the conversation downwards..then end the conversation right then! For one I would suggest not asking him any questions let him do all the talking when he does call you.
Keep your chin up sounds as though your situation is about to turn around for the better...isn't it always darkest before the dawn?
Well, I did it - no contact all today w/ H. I didn't come up w/ any reason to "need" to call or text him. It probably helps that he was a total a** yesterday. Today was differnt tho - I felt more distanced from it all for some reason. I wish I felt like this all the time but I imagine it will come & go for awhile. Weekends are always tough, especially in the summer when I would love to be doing something together that we had planned - camping or something.
Yesterday he said he was filing for D. I imagine he will, but he is not usually good at following thru on those things. It's like he doesn't know how to go about things like that. He does have a day off next week to go to the dentist so maybe he will do it then. Then again, maybe if I leave him alone he will let it go for now.
I told H yesterday that I did not want the divorce but if it was what he wanted there wouldn't be much I could do to stop him. He pretty much says he wants nothing, just me out of his life. He still keeps insisting I should be the one filing & starting it all. Don't really understand his reasoning on this one.
As Cindy suggested, I was thinking about the triggers that cause our worst arguments. It is usually because he makes a comment about how he never wants to hear from me again or he starts saying things that make me feel like I have to defend myself & that our marriage was worth something. I then get upset & start in on how other people (OW, family, etc) in his life that irritate him sometimes are still "allowed" to call him & he helps them out if needed. I also start in about how 2 weeks ago he said he loved me & now he says he doesn't have those feelings at all & never will again etc... I feel the need to try to reason w/ him even tho I know this is a cheeseless tunnel & in his current mindset he would never admit to agreeing w/ me. I read in someones thread that it might be better just to agree w/ what they say - if they can't get a reaction out of you they will probably stop trying.
So, I need to stop contact w/ him & try to have no expectations. he knows how to push my buttons & that gets me in to trouble & I backslide big time. I get angry because he is leaving me to deal w/ financial problems & other house projects etc but if I bring any of it up, I think he feels too much pressure & gets mad. In the past if I can let it go for a little while he has come back around offering $$ etc.
I hope he lets go of the d stuff for awhile. I don't really know what happens once he files. I got divorced about 8 yrs ago but had a lawyer that handled it all.
Thanks for the support & I will try to catch up on some of your threads. I am trying to think positive but don't want to get my hopes up either.
I talked to my SIL yesterday (H's sister). We have never been close but she & her H have split up recently so we have been chatting more.
Her H is having A that she found out about. She is so different from me. She has completely written off her M & H (& they have kids too), was upset for about a week & now says she would never take him back, does not love him at all & is already looking to meet new guys.
It just seems really unhealthy to me to want to move on that fast. I know their problems have built up over alot more years than ours but it just seems like it will have to come back & effect her more someday.
H called me this morning. Was mad I had spent time w/ his family. They had invited me over Memorial Day for a cookout w/ his sister & other relatives. They didn't call him since they didn't even have his phone #. The only reason they even knew he had left again was from me - don't think he wanted to admit it to them so he stays away.
Anyway, he called to tell me to not talk to them, they didn't want me around, etc. He said he was coming over tomorrow to get more stuff, do some projects I have been mentioning so he doesn't leave me w/ such a mess to deal w/ in the house. He then said that as long as I don't talk to his family & I don't call him, he will be fair in D.
I called his sister to see if she had talked to him. She said no but said she doubts her parents would say they don't want me around. She & I both think that he just doesn't want them talking to me because then they might figure out that half the stuff he says is BS. I think he keeps different parts of his life separate so he doesn't get his stories mixed up,. Plus, I think he gets mad cuz his parents like me & think he is being stupid.
So, I had a pretty crappy day. tried not to let it get to me but it did. Then he calls again in the afternoon. I almost didn't pick up but figured he would call front desk to find me. He said he wanted to apologize for being a d**k today & before & for being one in the future. He said we both know he will be again so he is apologizing now for it. He said he didn't want to argue & was sorry. I said okay & we hung up.
Very weird. Don't know if he really feels bad or if he thinks that if he makes me too mad I will screw him over in D.
I am torn between saying that he can't tell me who I am allowed to talk to & just backing off from his family. They invited me to go w/ them to an outdoor concert next Saturday that I really want to go to, but don't know if I should. I think he is being unreasonable but I also don't want him to not have a relationship w/ his family.
H just came by w/ his friend (where is he supposedly living) & friend's fiance to get his tool chest fromthe garage. I said " I thought you were coming over this morning to work on the basement, based on your phone call yesterday. I didn't go to work this morning because I figured you would be here & need help" (I know probably shouldn't have said it but I was pissed her showed up here w/ people (that think I am a bitch by the way) & didn't call 1st. He then proceeded to call me names - fat, etc. in front of his friend. I said I didn't appreciate him talking to me like that in front of other people.
He then said he was taking my curio cabinet w/ him today. The story there is that he gave it to me for my b'day the 1st yr we were together. Ever since, whenever we argue he says he bought & it wasn't for me - changing history again. He knows it means alot to me & sure enough he emptied it & took it out of here today. I know it is just a thing, but it still hurts.
Before he left he made a comment about how if I don't talk to him w/ respect he won't talk to me anymore. I probably shouldn't have said anything about him not showing up this morning but I don't ever call him names or say hateful things to him.
I have felt stronger more often the last few days & starting to detach but then when this stuff happens I feel hopeless. I just don't know how to deal with watching my life unravel before my eyes... I really thought I could be a success story since he has been so back & forth the last year, but I am starting to highly doubt it. I try to think positive but then it can all be blown away in an instant by hurtful words & actions.
He also said that his sister asked him last night why he married me (don't know the context of the question or what exactly the conversation was about) & he said he has no idea & it was a big mistake. I know it is just what he thinks right now so he is rewriting the past but it still hurts so much. Especially since he said how much he loved me a few weeks ago.
Why does the stuff they say hurt so much, even when deep down we know it is not true? H sister said all she did was ask H why he got married if he supposedly never loved me(she never thought he was ready at the time). He said he wanted to impress my family. He has said that to me before when mad. SIL told me that her H just said the same thing to her - that he never loved her, just married because she was pregnant. But, he is already questioning leaving her & it has only been a few weeks.
I know he loved me & I truely think that he still does. But it hurts me that he can believe right now that he doesn't & maybe never did. He told his sister that he tried really hard for the few weeks he moved back but he was just unhappy.
Even that is frustrating. Yes, he told me he was unhappy a couple times but he also told me many times that he was happy, loved me, was back where he belonged, could see how much I had changed, etc.
I know I have to let it go, it just makes me sad. I know that there is no way I could convince him right now that he is wrong & I wouldn't even try anymore. Maybe I just think that he will never miss me or think about us if he has convinced himself that he never loved me to begin with.
Just feeling a little sad. I know I need to not dwell on things because most is just being said to hurt my feelings or to convince himself he was right to leave.
I do let myself get wrapped up in all of it. I find my life is much less stressful if I try to let it go. Although I still get sad, I don't have the anxiety inside.
He made a comment that I don't talk to him like he is an adult, don't give him respect. I am really having a hard time figuring out what I am saying or how I am saying it that makes it come across like that. I feel like if I question him about anything (when he is making truck pmt since they keep calling the house) he says I am disrespecting him.
It just frustrates me because I woke up in a good mood, was working in the yard & then I let him get to me so it has been on my mind all day.
I know that M problems take 2 people & i know I contributed to our problems, but it just seems like his attitude has caused alot of our problems. I am only saying that (blaming him?) because he said it to me before he moved back in - 99% of our problems were because of his attitude & that he had unrealistic beliefs about marriage - it should be easy & fun.
Oh well. I guess I am going to relax tonight & try to get my mind off of it. I just hope he doesn't show up here tomorrow. Never would have thought I would say that.
Was talking to my mom tonight on the phone. Don't talk about H at all because she & rest of family think I should have said good riddance over a year ago. They don't understand how I can still love him. She started talking about how I should just file for D & move on. She is worried that he will try to take 401K, etc from me & will have a good chance the longer we are married. Maybe I am nieve, but I don't think he would go after it & I don't think he could get it since we have no kids, have only been married 2.5 years, w/ him not living here for over 1 year.
Anyway, my sister has been doing alot of research in to attachment disorder. She has a foster daughter that she is in the process of adopting & has been having testing, therapy etc done. She thinks my H also has this based on factors in his past, how he grew up etc. He does have alot of these traits & I am sure it could explain alot of his actions in our M & his relationship w/ his family, etc.
They think that even if he wanted to come back & work on our M, it would not be worth it because he has these issues & will never get past them w/out alot of therapy which he is currently against. That even w/ therapy he might be too old to get thru the issues (should have been dealt w/ when he was a child) A part of me can see this & think that I should just let go but I love him & still want him & our M back.
Anyone out there have experience w/ Dbing a spouse that may have a mental/emotional disorder?
He said he didn't want to argue & was sorry. I said okay & we hung up.
