DB Suggestions Thread

[ovrrnbw]

I agree with a lot of what Hoosjim is saying. I don't know that I'm out of the woods, but we are working on things in my sitch and there is no OM anymore. We did the "in-house separation" kinda, except my W was staying with OM a lot.

But I want to touch on Hoosjim's "keystone moment" and share mine, because I think it was really profound when he had his "Eureka" moment. Mine happened twice. I was hurting so bad last August after my W said she wanted to R and then ran back to OM again. I was spiraling. I remember Gordie and a couple others saying to just go NC. I did. It lasted almost 2 weeks. My W, called, texted, called my office, emailed often over this time period. If I went home, I'd go the long way to drive around the corner and make sure she wasn't home. If she was, I went elsewhere and sometimes stayed out for the night or came home late and went straight to bed. I'd wake up extra early and get out of there before she'd be up. I got a dog because I really thought things were over between me and my W and that I wouldn't be hunting with her dad anymore (having a dog for the type of hunting I do is very helpful and rewarding so it was a moving on action on my part). I know this is avoiding but it worked for me, it helped me become more centered and less stressed.

I had to do it again around Christmas time, but it didn't last as long, only a few days. Full disclosure: my W did run back to OM again in March for a couple days and threatened divorce again. I said OK I understand, as I've dealt with it so much that the words only stung now instead of cutting deep. I've posted in my thread about reading material for NC (no contact) and how that is the best way to get your ex back. I do think there is more to consider than flat out going NC though. But for me, going NC was the best way to tell myself that this reality is true. That my marriage is over and that I need to change the status quo and believe her for once and let her experience the reality she is showing and telling me she wants.

I think these "keystone" moments are of great learning opportunity for all here.

I like your last point too, Many Worries. We fear the formal separation, and I while I don't think we LBS's should move to formally advance the formal separation, we should accept that their is a great separation emotionally like you said.

Good thread guys, thanks for contributing.