MLCers come in three flavours; exhibit three different distinct behaviours which usually influence their attitudes as well. The clinger, vanisher, and boomerang.
Along with that, they are usually of two types of degree. A high energy type, burns the candle at both ends kind of thing. And a low energy type, a wallower, dragging themselves through there misery.
All MLCers basically are attempting to relive their youth. Trying to capture that which they’ve lost. Remember this is all about them, and the trauma they suffered when a child, when they were emotional stunted. They need to grow from that point.
The LBS becomes the target of MLCers projections of their internal conflicts; they really cannot cope with it and must place the blame onto someone. Unfortunately that is us. It needs to be the person that was in a position of authority from long ago, but the MLCer doesn’t realize that. They don’t even realize the crisis they are in, or the bad choices they are making, and no one can tell them different - they need to grow up.
The clinger blames you and yet cannot let go and move on. They try to keep you in their orbit, keep you engaged, keep you around, keep you as plan B.
The vanisher, which my XW is, leaves and doesn’t look back - that we know of or see. Very little to no contact from them, even with their children. They leave their old life and grab on to their new.
The boomerang leaves and circles back, over and over. Unable to let you go, and unable to commit.
You can see each type will have differing attitudes and behaviours to support their fantasy life. The MLCer cannot be wrong in their mind. They will expend incredible energies to maintain their fantasy - to run. Eventually it will crumble and their choices, lives, conflicts, and pain will become clearer and some will make the choice to face it, some won’t.
It takes quite a strength to believe and understand that the MLCer is emotional driven and is in deep depression. From the outside we don’t directly see how their minds are racing during those quiet times. The running behaviour is them trying to escape themselves. However, at night, laying in bed, they have no where to go. Signs of depression and sleep deprivation will show as this takes a physical toll on them. My XW aged many years, over the last two; an ironic fate considering she was chasing her youth.
In all of their journey, the MLCer has confusion, which they may or may not display. Spouses that still talk with the LBS will ping pong back and forth from friendly to angry. Chatty Kathy is a pretty common trait. Small talk for sure, they really cannot handle anything with substance or meaning.
It does take a while for our MLCer to find their type, and usually once found they do not bounce between types. In someways my vanisher is probably the easier of the bunch. Your’s sounds a bit boomerang at the moment.
This is the MLC rollercoaster. Hang on. Keep your hands and legs within the car; and your wits about you. Focus on you.
It’s perfectly alright and normal, and needed, to ride the coaster for a while. You will exit it. Don’t worry about rushing that part.
You sound like you’re doing really good. Understanding and compassion; the underpinnings of empathy and forgiveness.
Keep moving forward.
DnJ
Last edited by Cadet; 10/24/1905:28 PM. Reason: edit as per requested
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
