Gerda Rises Up to Go On

[Gerda]

I don't know if I survived today. I guess I am still alive. I was so miserable on my way in and thinking about how I was heading to my crucifixion and suddenly i thought, wait, I do not have to be crucified, Christ already did that for me, and I felt a lightness. But my L told me to be more vocal today and it got out of hand. At one point my lawyer had to push H's lawyer away from me physically, H's evil horrible L started to get in my face again and so I leaned into his face and started shouting, "You are going to get in my face? Come and get in my face!" And my L had to sort of push him away from me. And at one point the L's were arguing about H wanting to add an insane amount of money to the appraised value to "allow" me to buy him out instead of forcing a sale and H was sitting there so I sat next to H and started saying, "You arguing for a million for the kids? You want to trade a million for the kids? You need that million for S14?" And H ran out of the room. Mostly it was endless screaming again. They will not give ground on anything, will not accept the appraisals and insist on forcing a sale, trying to force everything. I had tried to give way on a lot, agreeing to put house on market in order to be able to try to meet the price of the highest bidder, but then I took stip home to review and I am just in shock. They are demanding I keep paying him every month when I am totally out of money, forcing me to continue cover all carrying costs and saying he will NOT PAY CHILD SUPPORT NOW BUT WILL I WILL RECEIVE A CREDIT BORROWED OFF HIS SHARE OF THE FINAL SALE!!!! I feel like my lawyer sold me down the river. I am not going to sign but I am sick at heart. My L is not doing anything for me. So so so lonely today. My S14 heard me talking on phone to L when I didn't know, and now he also knows about OW, had a panic attack at school. H picked up D10 from school and when she came home she told me that OW and her H live in the same house but don't sleep in the same bed because she's Papa's girlfriend.

I don't even know what I am saying right now, I am spiraling.

Thank you, DnJ. I wish you were here but I think this time you will have to make the tea, I am in a puddle on the floor and just want to cry but the kids are here...