There are so many ups & downs on this ride. H just keeps changing his mind every day it seems. I really thought that he wanted this when he came home last month. It was his decision, he said all the right things.
Yesterday was an okay day. We hung out, ML (he initiated) etc until he was supposed to go out with some friends. I was upset that I wasn't invited but tried to keep it to myself. He didn't feel good this morning & we got in to it a little over him drinking & driving. He of course got defensive but I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut & DBing thru that. He doesn't understand that if he gets a DUI or worse, that will affect me & my life too. The funny thing is he hasn't been drinking at all the last few months. He never has much anyway but knows that his dad is an alcoholic so he doesn't want to get in to that routine. The other issue was that he took his wedding ring of at some point when he was out last night. I guess that's not supposed to be a big deal. ??
So everything kind of blew up this morning. Partially my fault but I get frustrated that I feel like i can never talk about my feelings with him. He called awhile ago & said that we are getting divorced & he doesn't want me in his life. Claims he is calling a lawyer tomorrow. I just don't understand how he can go from talking aobut how good things are going between us to deciding that he is not happy & doesn't want to be married (for the one millionth time I think...)in less than 24 hours. I stopped by his parents & they said he gets mad & says things to make me mad. I know that - he certainly doesn't know how to deal with his emotions at all. But, he just called from where he is working on his truck & said that he found a new place to live & he is going thru with it this time.
What do I do now? I feel so stupid for thinking he wanted it to work this time. he said all the right things before he moved back in - about how he knows marriages have ups & downs, he wanted to go counseling, alot of our problems were because of his attitude etc. Whenever I would say that things are my fault to, he would say "yes, but you have to admit that 95% of it has to do with my attitude." Now he throws it in my face that I don't take any responsibility for our problems.
I could scream right now . I don't know that there is any hope if he moves out again... I know other people on here have had spouse try to come home & leave again. Any advice? Did they start divorce & then stop again??
Please read previous post. H still says he is moving out next weekend. That gives me 1 week to DB with him still around. After that, I don't know that I will have much opportunity to see him to DB.
Anyone have some quick tips that I can follow this week? Don't know if I should be just co-exisiting & not talk to him etc or if I should act happy & helpful? This morning I asked if he wanted me to make coffee & his lunch & he ignored me. I made the coffee & let him make his lunch.
We slept in same bed even tho he said he was going to stay on the couch. I rubbed his back while he was falling asleep like I always do & he didn't tell me not to.
Any thoughts? I know a week is not enought time to truely change & show him I am changing (he did admit he has seen changes since being home but he still wants to leave) but maybe there is something i can do to put some doubts in his mind again?
I wish I could offer you some pearls of wisdom, but I really can't. My situation has been going on for more than a year, and yet H has never moved home or even said he would consider working on our M.
When I read about other spouses moving back in and then out again and then back again etc, it makes me think I have the better situation, I just couldn't cope with the continual upheaval and dashed hopes over and over again.
One thing, if you consider how you have been these last months, and feel that basiaclly it hasn't worked, perhaps you could consider a 180 this week? To sort of bring him up short?
Livnlearn
"The unexamined life is not worth living" - Socrates
H moved out end of June 03 & came back right after Easter this year. Most of the time we have been in contact. Mainly because we work at same company (different locations) & he left me w/ all the sh** to deal with when he left - finances, collection calls for things he owed, etc. We went thru ups & downs. Everytime he said it was over & he was filing for divorce, he always threw something in about he still loves me & hopes it can work. That of course kept me on the line but I really believe that at those moments, he does mean it.
Why he left - he was unhappy, ILYBNILWY anymore, felt I was controlling, we were too different & argue, etc. I had started questioning him about OW & he said I was jealous & imagining things. I admit I am insecure but he didn't really give me reasons not to be.
He has yet to admit that there was OW but I know there was. He claims nothing happened w/ her until he moved out but it was defintley an EA if not PA. He still does not own up to either. Kind of complicated because she is mother of 2 kids he never knew he had until last year. The whole thing kind of doesn't make sense to me (about kids being his) but he says they are. They are 14 & 16 & he is 30. OW is 40 so they were together when he was 14? He lived w/ them when he moved out & then went to live w/ a male freind & then back w/ her & kids. Then here - supposedly because after having his freedom he realized he wanted to be w/ me. I think he always wants what he doesn't have at the time...
So, that is it in a nutshell. Not sure how to handle this week. Things had really benn going well & then he just snapped. I backslid on DBing as mentioned but I also feel that I have made alot of positive changes which he even admits to noticing. He had just been talking about how great we were doing & about plans for the summer & then decided he wants a divorce the next day.
This week strive to be consistent in your changes. List them out and then do not waver no matter what he says and does. Act as if you are ok with him moving out, be friendly, happy, be busy. Don't question him, don't snoop, don't argue.
Maybe dont' even do his laundry since he's moving out. Maybe don't clean as much just the minimum cause you are so busy going out (even if it to the grocery !).
Don't aim to please him so much as to keep your sanity. Do what you are able to do and if he gets bent out of shape well just say I'll get around to it.
What other things can you do that are the OPPOSITE of what you normally do? What is the routine he's used to? Change it this week! Change your wardrobe, your hair, your nails, your schedule, etc.
I actually felt like alot of what I was doing was working. I still have a long way to go to becoming an expert DBer but I can see where some changes had been made.
I think my biggest mistake was questioning him about going out on saturday night. He was acting kind of weird the next morning but may have been cuz he was hungover. Then I got on him about driving, etc.
What do you mean about bringing him up short? I feel like I really need a 180 but don't know what it should be. I don;t know if I should act as if everything is going to be okay, act as if he is leaving & talk like it is no big deal or what. I am going to try to not ask questions about when he will be home at night this week from working on his truck. Last week he called & let me know so I could get dinner ready for us. I guess this week I will just do for me & not expect him.
It is hard when they come home but I am more scared about him leaving again - that this might really be it this time. One of these times he is going to be serious & file for D.
When he decided to move back home, we were spending time together cuz he was helping me paint the family room. He offered to help & than gradually started talking about how when he saw me at work & stuff he realized he misses me. It was actually in one afternoon that he went from saying that he was going to move out from where he was & find a place on his own to saying that maybe it was time for him to come back home. That is how fast he changes his thoughts. So, he could change his mind about moving out again but he seems to have his mind set on it.
Well, H is starting to move his stuff out again. He also sounds pretty serious about the D this time. Says he will give me whatever I want & walk away w/ nothing just to get it over with. Guess he really wants out.
I have done a terrible job DBing this week. I guess not terrible but backsliding tons, I think because I feel desperate for him to stay. It's hard to believe there could even be a chance after this. He sounds so sure about wanting the D for th 1st time ever. Before he would say it but would never do anything about it & would always throw something in about loving me & maybe, hopefully we could get it to work. Now he says nothing like that. Just that he wants out & doesn't feel that this is the place/life for him.
These are the reasons he gave me for why this will never work between us: Nothing in common Can't communicate Too much arguing Different backgrounds I'm controlling I don't take any responsibility for our problems Nothing to hold on to in our marriage - we have/had feelings for each other but nothing else to hold us together There was nothing there in the 1st place - love but that is not enough He is not mariage material & can't meet my expectations & doesn't want the responsibilities of marriage
I know these are all the things many WA's use - I think Michelle mentions most in her books. the thing that is frustrating to me is that he has told me since he has been back that he can see the changes I have made. But this week, since he made his "decision", he says I haven't changed at all & it is all my fault that he is not staying.
I admit I am still not great at validating, but I admit that I contributed to our problems but he thinks I don;t take any responsibility. He thinks I am blaming him for everything because he is the one leaving. I guess I do blame him there for not being committed enough to make this work. But, how do you deal with feeling like you are changing but they only see the stuff that still needs work?
Sorry I am babbling here, I am just so sad. I am trying to not take to heart everything that he is saying: he makes me feel like our marriage meant nothing & there was never anything there between us. I know this is not true & is the "alien" speaking, but it still hurts & makes me question things. It amazes me that I was feeling like i had moved forward & made some positives changes in my life & how a few words from H can send me backwards.
The only positive I see is that alot of his "issues" are within my control if I really DB & figure out how to truely detach. It just seems that whatever I do, he wants the opposite. If I try too hard to do things to make him happy, he gets irritated. If I back off & try to let him take care off himself, he gets upset because I am not doing things. He always tells me to worry about me & not him so much, but when I do, he gets mad. An example is - I have made dinner almost every night he has been here, at least something. The one night I don't feel like it, he bitches about it all night. I feel like I just can't win.
Does anyone think I have a chance here? Or will it always just be more of the same?
First, you have to decide what you want! Do you want this marriage? Do you love this man? if yes is the answer to these questions, then do what you believe...that your m can be saved.
he gave you a list of some things he is looking for: stop arguing, controlling behavior that he wants changed. Don't defend yourself, be friendly, do nice things for him but don't bend over backwards...treat him like one of your good friends.
I know you are sad...there were MANY times my h screamed in my face that this was it, he was done, it was over, he was seeing someone else...but I stayed strong, calm, kept BELIEVING my m was going to be saved. Even when I went to d court, I BELIEVED!!!! You are right don't focus on what he's saying...the only thing you can know for sure in this type situation is HOW you feel! Get that right, then you can stand firm no matter what he throws at you. Even if this time he says it is for real you are going to believe in YOU, that you are worth this m, that you can change, that you are changing, that as long as you are changing you have every chance in the world for this to turn around.
Now dust yourself off, lift your chin up and believe! Don't let his little insecurities get to you. YOu are awesome, trying so hard, looking good....he's a fool who is being utterly selfish!
Thanks so much Cindy for the words of encouragment. I really needed them today. I have alot to think about this weekend about how to control some of my own behaviors, thoughts etc. Going to spend time rereading DR also.
(he initiated) etc until he was supposed to go out with some friends. I was upset that I wasn't invited but tried to keep it to myself. He didn't feel good this morning & we got in to it a little over him drinking & driving. He of course got defensive but I had a hard time keeping my mouth shut & DBing thru that. He doesn't understand that if he gets a DUI or worse, that will affect me & my life too. The funny thing is he hasn't been drinking at all the last few months. He never has much anyway but knows that his dad is an alcoholic so he doesn't want to get in to that routine. The other issue was that he took his wedding ring of at some point when he was out last night. I guess that's not supposed to be a big deal. ??
. I don't know that there is any hope if he moves out again... 
I know other people on here have had spouse try to come home & leave again. Any advice? Did they start divorce & then stop again??
!). 