Confused and Lost

[KristinG]

OK.. apologies for long rant coming. I need to vent!

SO last night she asked for me to come over and look over some insurance options with her new job. She wanted to build a fire and roast some hot dogs. I agreed as it was a nice night and went. She had another friend there from work and we all spent most of the evening sitting around the fire chatting and having a beer. I went inside to use the restroom and found confirmation of PA still occurring. INSTApissed. Deep breaths, calm down, don't explode on her cheating butt.

Managed to get calmed down and return to the hang out. I kept pretty quiet the rest of the evening and was trying to keep my emotions in check. Friend left and it was just her and I. She initiated an R talk which hasn't happened in a couple of months. She wanted to know what was bothering me and could tell something was off. I was just trying to listen and validate and not bring up the PA or the AP.

She kept pushing to find out how I am feeling and I caved. I told her that I don't want to, nor will I, be a third party in this love triangle. I told her that I knew they were still sleeping together. She tried to deny, deny, deny. I told her about the red handed proof and she confirmed the PA. I tried to remain calm and unaffected. I cried quite a bit and she just kept hugging me and saying she doesn't want to lose me or everything we have worked so hard to build together. She feels as though her friends and family will never accept AP because "you're amazing and my whole family loves you so much". I told her that I want her to be happy in life, even if that is not with me. She hugged me again and I told her I just want space from her right now.

I left.

I'm in pieces today and trying to hold it all in at work. I already feel like someone ripped out my heart all over again. How is it that it has been a year of H*LL and I still hurt over her? Trying to center my thoughts and form a mental game plan for myself and self care.